Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I talk about boys all the freakin time. Wonder when I'll have one of my own?

I know I'm oblivious to a lot of things most people notice. I don't see the details. Okay, I even miss MAJOR details. But I would like to think it is because I'm focusing on other things. Maybe things other people miss or take for granted. Maybe everyone else sees them and I'm just paying more attention. But at any rate, I think about things too much. Over analyze and try to figure out what everything means and how it fits into what I already know. I think my blog is a whole lot of this. Just me trying to figure out what it means. And how it works.

And I just want to be heard too.

Today I spent the day with my best guy friend, Mr. Jeremy. Something terribly embarrassing happened to me during that time. Girl stuff, you know. So I come out of the bathroom and get my coat and I inform Mr. Jeremy that I have to go home but I'll come back, if he wants me to. And he was all concern, wondering what was wrong because we had just gotten back to the house and he had gone downstairs and I had gone to the bathroom. He guessed pretty quickly what was the matter and let me go. And when I returned, he told me embarrassing stories and moved on. And then later asked me what had happened. And I don't know if he did it on purpose or not but he left the couch and sat at the computer and messed around on the screen as I attempted to tell him.

I'm telling you all of this because I'm so impressed with him right now. First, because I assume most guys don't want to know what horrible thing happened in the bathroom to make a girl want to leave immediately. I thought I would come back and we would both pretend it didn't happen. But more than that, he shared a story with me before asking me to tell mine. To make me feel more comfortable. And then he moved so that he wasn't watching me while I explained what happened and that made it easier too. I'm not used to talking with people about my menstrual cycle. Especially not a guy. I don't like talking about my bodily functions. But this was okay. It wasn't awful.

The other day I told him he should get his hair cut soon because it was interfering with my ability to see his eyes. Today we looked through magazines until he decided on a haircut and then carried out the decision. He does look better now. And I can see his eyes. Not that he doesn't always look handsome, of course.

I came home thinking about how relationships change. I was so tangled up in liking him before. You know the feelings. They are fun, of course, but not really when you're feeling them alone. It was like I cared too much, but for the wrong reasons. And everything seemed bigger than it was, like getting knocked around by a slight breeze. Too much.

Oh I thought of another metaphor. When I went snorkeling for the first and last time, the water was choppy and the waves kept washing over my snorkel and I got mouthfuls of sea water. I would lift my head from the water to empty the snorkel and get hit in the face by waves. It was overwhelming. I was so glad to actually be in the ocean and the fish that swam near enough were beautiful. It was an amazing experience. But the water was too much for me and I had to swim back to the boat.

It used to be like that. I felt like I was trying my best to keep up. To breathe. Because I really was doing it alone.

But now.

Now it's different. Now I've got a handle. Maybe now I'm on the boat and I can still see the fish and feel the water rocking me, still feel the sun warming my skin and smell the sea, but there is no danger of drowning. No taste of salt in my mouth. No feeling of being powerless.

I still care too much, but now at least I think I've got the right reasons. He is my best friend and I love him. I think it's more each time I see him. But I don't hope for things that aren't there and I don't want anything other than more of his time.

I just started a list of things I like about him. Thats ridiculous. You don't care.

I was just trying to say something I haven't found words for yet. I don't want to say that it is easier to be around him now, because it has always been easy. Too easy. My favorite thing to do. I think I mean that it is easier to be without him now. Easier to not think of him so much. Not wonder what he is doing and how he is feeling and blah blah blah. He'll tell me when I see him. And he'll want to see me. So I don't have to worry.

Maybe that's it. It is easier not to worry now. And I'm not worried about all kinds of things.

And for all that, I love him even more.

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