Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Stupid feelings.

I have a lot of things going on in my heart right now. Or my mind. Maybe they are the same thing and we just use two different words to describe the rational and irrational parts of ourselves. The part that makes sense and the part that doesn't care about what is logical and just goes flying off in whatever direction feels best. I think I have a lot of things going on in both parts.

I dreamed about going to the tattoo shop and just getting a tattoo. One I never even planned. Just stopping by one night on my way home from work and talking with an artist I had never met. And in my dream this artist got more and more worrisome. I told him I wanted a square tattooed on the inside of my left arm and I wanted it turned so that it looked like a diamond. He drew up a picture of a gravestone with strawberries growing up over it. The dream continued with me saying clearly exactly what I wanted and him trying to give me something completely different.

And my waking self realizes that I keep saying exactly what I want and I keep getting something completely different.

I hate it that sometimes my mind knows exactly how I should feel and my heart just doesn't care. I've already decided that everything is okay. Just fine. Just like everything has always been. Nothing is different than before. Just my perspective. But I still feel like someone put a rock in my lungs and I can't quite breathe right around its sharp edges and heavy weight.

Stupid feelings.

But now I've got bigger things to worry about. Worry. Worry. Worry.

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