Things did not go according to plan. I really liked that they didn't.
It started off with a grumpy morning that was really a continuation of a grumpy night before. But by the time lunch was over, the grumpy morning had turned into a full-blown horrible, horrible day.
I won't really talk about that very much here, but I do want to say something. Since I've become friends with Jeremy, I have had several friendships either dissolve completely or turn into something less than what they were. But I've only gotten closer to him during that time. I spend at least a couple nights a week hanging out with him. He has become an important part of my life. He is my friend.
But I feel like I can't talk about him with my other friends and it frustrates me to no end. And for each friend there is a different reason. But it really sucks feeling uncomfortable talking about a part of my life that I enjoy. A part that is healthy and safe and stable when everything else feels so scary sometimes. And on those days when I'm upset about something he might have said or done or maybe I'm worried about something having to do with him or I just want to tell someone else how much fun we had doing this or that or how awesome I think he is or muse over what it meant when he said this or did that, who do I call? I can tell them about work. I can tell them about my family. I can tell them about weight loss and loneliness and debt and other friendships. But not this.
I realize that its frustrating and confusing when I seem so attached to someone I've known for so little time. I realize some of my friends are worried because they don't understand his character or they think I might get hurt. And some of my friends are upset that I turn to him for things when they would be there for me too except that I never ask them. I can't say I'm being logical. I can't say I'm being fair.
I am an emotional being. It usually takes me a long, long time to trust people. To let them in. To even let them see who I am when I'm not happy. And then even when I get there, I am repulsed by the idea of needing people. The people in my life that I am supposed to be able to need, my parents, have hurt me more than anyone. It has taught me that it is better not to need anyone. I can do this on my own. I'm strong. I can make it. So I tell people what is going on sometimes, but usually it is just so they understand the change in my behavior. I don't want anything from them. I don't need anything.
But Jeremy snuck up on me somehow. It happened in slow degrees I can't measure. Even in the beginning, he seemed to know that I was upset when no one else in the room noticed. He was persistent enough to pull it out of me. Slowly I learned that he would always listen, even if it was him I was upset with. I started to trust him for reasons I can't figure out. It has become a trust that scares me because it is more than I give to most people. The safe distance I keep between myself and other people is getting shorter between Jeremy and I.
But he does make me feel safe. And heard. And understood.
So when the electricity got shut off, I learned through a text message while at work. I immediately put on my fake smile and went back out to wait on customers. The slow panic started to build as I planned out the next few steps. Find a place to stay. Find out how long this is gong to be. Find out how much this is going to cost me. Can I make it home before I cry? Will it be dark when I get there? Do I have to be anywhere tonight? All of this running through my head while I ask people questions and issue vehicle registrations. I didn't make it home before I cried. That was awful.
I just realized this is way more detail that I meant to share. Anyway, over the course of the five days our electricity was shut off, I realized that I couldn't do this alone this time. I spent my free time Wednesday and Thursday with Jeremy. And Friday with Jeremy and Johnna. I didn't need anything from him that he doesn't already give freely. I mean, I had to take a shower at his house which, unfortunately, is not something I haven't had to ask before. I absolutely hated asking for that, but I could have done it at the gym if I had to. What I needed from him was a safe, stable, calm place to be. A comforting presence. He is always those things for me. I don't know if it is because he seems so strong to me or because I know I couldn't pretend to be okay around him even if I wanted to.
Wow. This has gone completely in a way I didn't plan. Just like yesterday.
So anyway. Yesterday turned into complete, full-blown horrible day. Jeremy texted me to see if I wanted to come over for dinner. He remembered Johnna and I had plans. He said she should come too. And Billy would join us too. At this point, I was more than willing to cancel the gym because of the horrible, horrible day. I got to Jeremy's house before Johnna and he let me tell him about all my worries and frustrations and anger. I cried. He gave me a tissue and made me feel better. When Johnna got there we started making dinner that eventually evolved into stuffed peppers, minus a recipe.
It was so much fun cooking together. I don't know why I love doing that so very, very much. And I even like doing the dishes too. We talked and shared stories and made fun of each other and caught up and remembered and ate. Then we moved down to the basement for more of the same minus the eating. After that we went to the movies. I didn't like the movie and fell asleep on Johnna during that part of the evening.
But its strange how little words and touches and time heal. There wasn't a specific thing that made me feel better. Just being with people I care about. Little moments. Like Billy picking on me for being grumpy, even though that made me grumpier for a moment. Or Jeremy comparing me to Billy's mom, which also made me grumpier, but then he followed me to my car to make sure I wasn't actually upset. Or Johnna letting me hold her hand on the car ride home because I always wake up wanting to touch someone.
I've written things I can't post, but I think maybe I could tell someone in person now.
I'm sensitive and most people don't notice because I hide it. I'm forgiving and oblivious to many things in a relationship because I look for the good in people and keep expecting them to be better next time. But when I get to the point where I realize that they really do hurt me, it's hard for me to move on after that.
I'm going to have to re-resolve to tell people when something is upsetting me so they at least have a little warning before I completely give up. Maybe, unlike my parents, other people care about hurting me.
For now I feel much, much better.