I have a lot to say.
First, the title was the fortune in my cookie Sunday at the Chinese restaurant. I find it strangely comforting, even if I don't know who said angel is. At least my charm didn't go unnoticed.
But I'm also curios. Who IS this angel? And why is it noticing my charms? I want to write a story about it. A young girl is trying desperately in her quiet way to be noticed, to be seen, and no one does. Silently she struggles to overcome even the simplest social obstacles like where to put your hands when you talk and how to respond to questions appropriately. It is awful for her and she is failing, sitting in the dark corners alone. But 'the angel' sees her, watches her from another dark corner, tearing apart her every action, every flick of her eyes or nervous shrug of her shoulders. He wants so desperately to know her, to have that unsure voice speak his name but he can only approach when invited, and why would one such as she invite one like him closer? He may be called an 'angel', but humans have no idea what that entails. . .
Okay. Wow. No one cares about my random story ideas.
Yesterday I went on a walk around campus with the mission of finding beautiful things to admire. The mission was successful. I found some paths through the trees and and spent time there. It was nice just to take time to appreciate the beauty in the world. I felt like I used to feel after church.
Now I dont remember what I wanted to say in the first place. That story idea stole all of my other thoughts.
I don't know how to find the words to tell you how happy I am right now. I've found this group of friends that makes me feel so complete. Its like suddenly part of who I am is The Group and so now my spirit is so much bigger, but when I'm not with The Group, then I feel a little empty in a new way. Does that explanation work? I suppose I mean they feel like family. And they challenge me to be better than I am with love and not with force. And they are just there, all the time, like someone I don't have to call because I know they'll show up. And I'm happy.
And this whole weight loss thing is exciting, I'll admit, but that doesn't mean I don't still wish for that surgery. This is going to take me years and I could never find the words to express to you how unhappy I am with my body. I finally learned to compartmentalize the unhappiness so it doesnt infect every other part of me. I can carve out a safe place for my happiness to grow. Still, I feel trapped and uncomfortable and hindered. I know now that I can do this on my own, but the time and the fear of failure still loom before me. I am terrified and miserable. But now people are saying its a good thing I didn't have that surgery and that I shouldn't have it now. I can agree that it was probably a good thing I didnt go into that surgery in May with the way I was thinking about things, but I cant agree with the never having it part of that statement.
I suppose to me it sounds like people saying that it doesnt matter if I suffer for years to come because its healthier that way. It doesnt matter if there are some moments when I forget how to breathe because it hurts so much, because its healthier this way.
I didn't get what I wanted more than anything else in the world, so I'm trying my best to find a next best thing.
I think my charms are going unnoticed by the angel.