Well, they've succeded

With all their coughing and sneezing and snot-wiping and hugs, the second graders have managed to infect me. I swear, they've had it in for me since day one. But, the sickness also falls on the last day of my field experience, my last field experience EVER. I am not going to be a teacher and I NEVER have to spend all day in an elementary school again. Really, the outside world has no idea, no idea what its like in there.

So now I feel like a great burden has been lifted. I've planned my schedule for next semester and its going to be fabulous: only two days of Oxford included.

I joined this group on facebook called "I'm saving myself for wild, passionate, awkward honeymoon sex" or something like that. The message boards are so active that I've been stalking them in an unhealthy manner. But, its nice to see that I'm not the only one, you know? There are even some people that are saving their first kiss for their wedding day. Isn't that great (or some may say, crazy)? But hey, I'm twenty years old and have never kissed anyone, so what are a few more years? I think it would be special. There are so many topics that come up on the boards that make me feel part of something. I thought I was the only one thinking some of these things but then dozens of people are sharing their versions of my own thoughts. Specifically, one topic was about being afraid that if someone REALLY knew you, they wouldn't love you, but it seemed that nearly everyone felt that way. I think we are all secretly insecure about these things. Another topic was about being afraid of ending up alone. I share these feelings and it was reassuring to know that there are other people like me out there (at least 23,000 right now). Other topics are kind of silly and fun. All of this has led to much contemplation on my part, apparently because. . .

Last night I dreamed that I met my future husband and he asked, well no, he told me I was going to marry him and he kissed my forehead and my cheeks (yes, my version of wild, crazy sex dreams haha). Then, I was all sad when I woke up. :( The point of this story? I think I should spend less time on facebook talking about future husbands and more time with, you know, real people.

I think I'll take my infected self to bed and think happy, healing thoughts. Come on immune system! ( I think I might cough on the mean customers tomorrow) *evil laugh*

Sarah Jo

I don't know why I'm always suprised at stuff like this.

I woke up this morning and walked down the stairs. Mom had company; she did not hear me come down the stairs. She did not know I was listening as she carried on a conversation about how much this or that person charges for pain pills, what each one makes her feel, about breaking into my dads cabinet to get pills. She did not know that I heard her yell down the stairs to ask my brother if her guest could have a joint. No, she didn't know how long I stood there. Finally, she sees me, greets me good morning, realizes I'm upset. I tell her that I heard that. "What" she says? "Shannon is just here to see if chris can fix her car." she says. I tell her again that I heard it, I heard everything. "What?" She asks.

So. . .

Did she never quit? Did she quit and start again? How long has she been lying to me? HOW LONG HAS SHE BEEN LYING TO ME?!?!

I didnt ask her this. I left. I havent said a word to her. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm tired of being lied to. People are going to do what they want to, but why lie to me? She says she doesn't want to upset me, but I'm upset right now.

But, I'm done crying. I don't want to leave anymore. I'm tired of leaving. I'm tired of trusting. I'm tired of all of this.

I don't know how I'm ever going to learn how to trust people.

Deception seems to be the main form of communication in my house. And everyone does whatever they want. It doesnt matter if its illegal. It doesnt matter if its going to hurt everyone around.

I feel like I'm in one of those movies where the gate is closing and the characters are racing to get through the gate before it closes or the building collapses or blows up. I sure hope I can get out before this house crumbles.

Have you seen the new Choco/Nilla Krispies?

Thirty - something black gentleman: Hey
Me: Hi
Him: What yo name?
Me: Sarah
Him: Do I know you?
Me: I don't think so.
Him: Can I GET to know you?
Me: Uh, I don't think so.
Him: Why not? You a pretty lady.
Me: No, no I don't think so.
Him: Well, it don't hurt to try.
Me: No, I guess not

________________________________


So, today I made corn chowder and homemade croutons. It was much tasty. Yum.

Lascivious

Yesterday, I learned how it felt to be leered at.

And then, a customer made a comment about my necklace, asking if I got my beads at Mardi-Gras. I informed him that I will never, ever earn any mardi-gras beads. My next customer exclaimed, "Well, your face isn't so red anymore! Oh, there it goes again!"

And later, Katelyn (not the toddler, but my friend) informed me that my breasts are scary.

Its nice when a day has a theme to it, you know?

Why does missing you have to hurt so much?

I feel like I'm losing ground
two steps without you
and I'm turning around
staring blankly at the place where you stood
I would call out your name
if only I could
I don't know what to do now that you are walking away
when I would never leave
and you don't want to stay
I dont know who I am, if I'm not with you
after all that time
after all we've been through
And if I said I need you, you make me thrive
would you tell me to find
some other way to survive?
Why does missing you have to hurt so much?
I keep saying I don't need you,
your voice, or your touch
but I feel like I'm losing ground
two steps without you
and I'm turning around
I would call out your name, if only I could
but I see only footprints
in the place where you stood

My attention span is this big ().

I'm drinking my vanilla milkshake, stirring around the contents with my straw and staring down into the cup, when I come to the horrible realization that there is something solid and dark colored in the bottom of my (now nearly empty) cup.

Oh











My











Goodness








(further investigation)



















Oh, its just the cherry.

Yes, I know. First its glass in my mouth and now its a glass desk. . .

Sunday night I knocked my hand against my desk as I went (ran) by. This resulted in immediate bruising and swelling (and tears). As I nursed my wound with an ice pack, I kept thinking "Why does it have to hurt?" Well, today I was watching House (love that show!) and there was a patient that could feel no pain. She almost killed herself because she didnt know when she was doing things that werent good for her. This episode made me re-evaluate the voice of pain. Before, I thought pain was screaming "Ha Ha! Punishment!" but now I think its more "Oh no! Not good! Don't do that again! Thats not good for you! You ARE breakable!" Lesson learned.

Moving on.

I really do hate school this semester. I've decided that I don't want to teach but I'm finishing my education degree. This means that I'm taking seven classes on how to teach. I am SO not interested. I dont have any motivation to do my homework, read, or study. What am I going to do? I don't pay attention in class. I'm doing just enough to get by. I'm expecting the bottom to drop out from under me at any moment. I guess I'll wait and see.

And I feel like I just really want to talk to someone for a really long time. And I keep flipping through people in my head. I cant talk to this person about this thing. I cant talk to this other person about this other thing. I cant talk to . . . Well. What happened? I thought I was being completely me all the time and then somewhere along the line I lost track of who that was. And now I'm a fragmented Sarah Jo with too many silences. And I don't know what I'm going to do to fix it or even if I want to. I don't like not talking about things, it makes me feel like a liar. Hmm. Well. I don't know what I'm trying to say either.

Read my mind! Whats wrong with you?!?

LoVe,
sArAh jO

"Its terrible and wonderful at the same time! It's freedom in a cup!"

My friends, let me tell you a story:

Once upon a time I made the lovely salsa stuff that Nika makes. Today, I was eating said salsa stuff. Wilst chewing, my teeth made contact with something too solid to be either salsa or chip. Very disturbing. After further investigation (spitting it out) I discovered that the "something" was GLASS. Now, how on earth did GLASS end up in my mouth? And will I ever be able to eat salsa stuff again? These questions shall remain a mystery.

Oh! I know! Do you know what movies these quotes come from?

1. "Its like riding a bike, only you're crapping on it!"
2. "I have a strict policy that nobody cries alone in my presence."
3. "Chi-cken... Good. "

Yay! Now, I'm going to go try to prove my theory that, if I sleep enough, I won't be sick anymore. I'll let you know how that goes.

And just one more. . . "Once there was a magical elf who lived in a rainbow tree/ He lived downstairs from a flatulent dwarf who constantly had to pee/ One day the elf could take no more/ so he went to bang on the rude dwarf's door/ and what do you know, they suddenly both were marrrrried. "

So I'm pretty much AMAZING. I mean, I hate school, but life is awesome. What else is there to say?

Hey! You should spend some time with me!

Here we go around again.

I think you are
missing the best part of me
and maybe I am
missing you entirely
but I don't know how
to invite you closer
to show you my heart
Oh, my friend
lets try this again.

Gavin DeGraw should come to my house and sing me to sleep while playing with my hair.

Shake it baby!

I feel like a snowglobe. I've got all these things floating around in my head and I don't know which one to deal with first. Or if I even want to deal with them. Maybe I'll let everything float around in my head like a beautiful disaster. And lots of these things are people specific. What I mean is, I would better write a poem to that person telling them everything I would never truly say. And some things I need to work out in my own heart. Grrr.

I've got all this information, all these new ideas and concepts, all these situations and thoughts and no time to process them. How does this all fit together? What does it mean now? Do I believe this?

I think I just need to write poetry. Its easier to do that because then all the scary things to say are at least pretty in their own right, dressed up in verse so they do not look so vulnerable and bare.

I put all my secrets in poetry. The funny thing is, anyone can read it, anyone at all. They just have to ask. They just have to listen. Its like my heart, it is open and available for anyone willing to pursue. But thats it, isnt it?

Sarah Jo

(Please.)

I want

what I want

RIGHT NOW.

Why must I wait?

Patience is for people

who do not mind

giving it time.

(I am not one of

said people.)

Do not tell me

I am learning something

somehow,

just give me what I want

and do it fast.

Do it right now!

(Please.)

I've got about half a dozen scarves to make.

Lately, I keep thinking things that make me blush, but I figure out that they are not good things to say out loud before they make it out of my mouth. So then, there I am, turning red for no explicable reason. At least the filter between my brain and my mouth is starting to be more effective. On the down side, people have noticed. Now I'll have to stop getting embarrassed when no one knows what I'm thinking.

And. . . I just got a voice mail message that is garbled beyond recognition and I have to wait until tomorrow to find out what it said. I'm not good at waiting. I keep imagining the worst. I don't know why. I'll have to think about something else. Like homework.

Things would turn out a lot better if I kept my mouth shut more often. Yes, they would. In Kidd Coffee there is a quote on the wall that says something like "I’ve often regretted my speech, but never my silence". Forgive me for not remembering the author of this quote. You can google it. At any rate, I should take this to heart, but I don't. I talk and talk and talk as long as someone will listen. And I keep listening if someone keeps talking. There should be a happy medium somewhere.

I keep thinking about this voice mail message.
And I'm not doing my homework.

I wish I could listen to my ipod in the shower. They have some kind of device where you put your ipod in a "water resistant" container with speakers. Its only 30 dollars. Why would I put my 250 dollar ipod in a 30 dollar contraption and trust that everything will turn out okay?

Oh! I got an ipod! Ha. I like it much. I purchased a pink case for it. All is well. And I get a daily audio bible podcast that makes me happy(er).

Voice mail. Homework.

So. . . How is your semester going? I'm already behind on my. . . new subject. So I don't really know my course numbers but I have courses that teach me how to teach math, science, and social studies. I have a personal health class (apparently, I need to be a good role-model for the young 'uns) as well as a class on assessment and a class on classroom management/discipline. What did I forget? *Counts on fingers* OH! And technology. How to integrate technology into a classroom. This would all be great if I wanted to teach, but, I don't. Maybe I could write children's books that would be useful when integrating the content areas. A children's book to use for math, science, social studies, health. Now, what would I write about? Oh, I guess that's the hard part.

(Voice mail. Homework.)

I feel like I'm on the right track again. Before, I felt like I fell off into a hole that I had no intention of even trying to escape, but not so anymore. God has a way of scraping off the things I cant handle, and lifting me up, until it isn't a hole anymore at all. Its amazing that no matter how many times I try to walk away from Him, He follows after me, chases after me, calls out to me, until I come back again. And it seems that I never really left in the first place. And every time I hurt, there is purpose. There is reason and growth. There is a lesson. Its not all senseless. And I'm never alone. I'm never alone.

(Homework.)

Even though I've been at school all week long, and I've been spending time with my classmates, I feel that I haven't seen anyone at all. I feel lonely. Sigh. I miss people.

I want to go somewhere. I want to take a trip. When? Spring break is kind of out. This summer maybe. I want to go anywhere that's not here. Okay, somewhere that can be driven to. Somewhere that doesn't cost TOO much money. I'm going to think on this.

I MUST do my homework now. Thanks for listening to me. I need to be listened to.

Sarah Jo

(Wow, I had a LOT of spelling errorrs.)

"Draw me close to you. . ."

This break has been balm for my soul. Many times during the last semester, I thought I just could not continue. I thought surely I would fall apart and just not make it through the next day. And I thought I couldn't handle anymore. And then something else would happen. And something else would happen. But every time I thought I couldn't do it alone, I got just enough help, just enough support to continue. A few well timed phone calls. Much needed hugs. Listening ears and helping hands. I made it.

Now I feel like I've had a great release of breath. I'm okay. No, I'm stronger. And now I know things I didn't know before. And I'm happy. And its okay if things hurt so much you can't think of anything else. This passes and joy comes.

I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I'm not going to teach. I want to write. Its what I love to do. I'm not going to worry about whats going to happen to me in a year and a half; I'll worry about completing this day, this week, this month, this semester. I'll worry about trusting God more than I trust myself.

I've experienced a lot of changes in the last few months, changes in my life and changes inside myself. I thought I had it all figured out and now its different. I walked all the paths in my heart and I knew exactly who I was and why and now . . . now I have to do it all over again. Sigh.

So I don't have all the words sorted out just yet because I don't have any of the details, emotions, thoughts in order.

You know what though? He always gives me exactly what I ask for, I just never anticipate the path that takes me there.