Sunday night I knocked my hand against my desk as I went (ran) by. This resulted in immediate bruising and swelling (and tears). As I nursed my wound with an ice pack, I kept thinking "Why does it have to hurt?" Well, today I was watching House (love that show!) and there was a patient that could feel no pain. She almost killed herself because she didnt know when she was doing things that werent good for her. This episode made me re-evaluate the voice of pain. Before, I thought pain was screaming "Ha Ha! Punishment!" but now I think its more "Oh no! Not good! Don't do that again! Thats not good for you! You ARE breakable!" Lesson learned.
I really do hate school this semester. I've decided that I don't want to teach but I'm finishing my education degree. This means that I'm taking seven classes on how to teach. I am SO not interested. I dont have any motivation to do my homework, read, or study. What am I going to do? I don't pay attention in class. I'm doing just enough to get by. I'm expecting the bottom to drop out from under me at any moment. I guess I'll wait and see.
And I feel like I just really want to talk to someone for a really long time. And I keep flipping through people in my head. I cant talk to this person about this thing. I cant talk to this other person about this other thing. I cant talk to . . . Well. What happened? I thought I was being completely me all the time and then somewhere along the line I lost track of who that was. And now I'm a fragmented Sarah Jo with too many silences. And I don't know what I'm going to do to fix it or even if I want to. I don't like not talking about things, it makes me feel like a liar. Hmm. Well. I don't know what I'm trying to say either.
Read my mind! Whats wrong with you?!?