Sunday, September 26, 2010

I miss you. I love you. Have fun.

Sometimes I wonder if people come into our lives just so we can learn to love them and then learn to lose them. I don't mean that they die, but going away and maybe-never-coming-back feels a whole lot like losing someone. I don't know how to make it feel any easier.

It gets easier after some time. I establish a new routine that doesn't involve said missing person. Of course, it doesn't always feel right because I keep wanting the replacement to feel as right as what is missing and it never does. But I move on. We move on. We have to. And then it only feels awful every one in a while.

Like looking at our pictures on facebook. All the things we did together. It makes me think of all the things we aren't going to do together now. And I know the people I keep losing, I am losing to bigger and better things. But I'm selfish. And I wish they could be happy and successful and near me at the same time.

But we can't keep people. Because if it isn't distance that separates us, it is time and circumstance. It is misunderstandings and lack of common ground. It is life events and relationships and so many other things. Even when relationships last, we don't keep each other. We change and that 40 year old woman isn't the teen girl you so loved. We can't keep them. They can't keep us.

So I'm going to have to get used to this losing-people-feeling. I hate it. Because with a new tattoo or an apartment fire or a broken heart, I know those things aren't going to last. I'll get over those pains, even if sometimes it feels like they might break me. But I miss you and miss you and miss you. And even if that feeling  passes, I'm going to miss missing you too. Because THAT will mean it really is over, and I don't want that.

Sometimes they are across an ocean. Sometimes they are states and states away. Sometimes only a few hours in the car. Sometimes just blocks away. And I miss them. And I hate it.

But sometimes it really does feel like people come into our lives so that we can learn to love them and then learn to lose them. Was that part of the plan?

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