Thursday, May 12, 2005

Don't read this.

So, It has been awhile. Lots of stuff to say, but I will forget to say most of it.

I noticed that things have a nice way of just working out perfectly for me. Example: My financial aid package for school lacked about 2,000 dollars of much needed money. I get a letter in the mail a couple weeks later telling me I have a scholarship for 2,500. Nice. Example: I really want this cardigan set at Fashion Bug but have resolved to spend all extra money on car payments. I look at it and pine for it each time I work. A couple of weeks later, I win a gift card for the amount of the cardigan set with just enough extra for a matching necklace. I will most definitely give God the credit for these things. I find that, in general, I have a need/want and after some time passes, this need/want is fulfilled better than I had hoped for. Can I connect this to relationships or lack there of? I would like to.

You can think this is weird or whatever, but I think of my future husband even now. I pray for him and I will keep myself pure for him. Oftentimes, I wish I had a boyfriend, even if it was just some frivolous thing. But what if none of these boys ever pay attention to me, or like me, or are interested in me that way, but some time passes, and I find that man that is better than any boy I could ever dream of?

I can only use my past as a rough template for what might happen in the future. You know, the sun has risen every morning I can remember, so I assume that the sun will rise tomorrow. Im not certain, but I guess I'll find out for sure tomorrow. Now, I've been through rough times. Maybe they don't seem rough to you, or I haven't shared them, but I have known pain and trials, but these things have only made me stronger. They have taught me lessons. I won't say that I have not been hurt, I'll just say that I survived in one piece. Through the rough times, God always provided a way for me, and always in His timing, so that I could see Him work. I know that He has never left me wanting. I don't know what I'm trying to say other than, I am grateful. Thank You.

Most times, when I think of rough times, I think financial. Not all of them were/are, but most of them. My parents both have/had chemical dependencies. Sometimes I want to scream and yell and hurt my parents for what I have had to experience, but they cannot change the past, and somehow an apology does not work. And you can go ahead and roll your eyes and make comments about another spoiled teenager whining about money, but you do not know where I have been. You do not know. I could easily turn this into a list of grievances against my parents, but I don't want to do this. And yes, it would be nearly all blamed on my parents, and I grant them with the brunt of my anger. But I now have a complete handbook on what not to do in life, and I will turn my anger into a zealous journey to financial stability . Or something.

"I think I had a point, but I just got distracted. . . ."

I just want to break away and have a life that is not weighed down with the "sins of my father." Sometimes it seems that in everything I do, I have to make up for something they did just to start out on a clean slate. I never get a clean slate, I get a dirty, used-up one. I said I wasn't going to list my grievances.

Just, do you know how it feels to love someone so much, and wonder when they are going to hurt you again?

I want to depend on someone I can depend on.

I'm sorry, I really did have a good day. I really am happy. Its just that sometimes when I need to be listened to, I tell everyone but the one that needs to hear.

Just tell me you love me and you'll never ever hurt me again. And then, really mean it.

Sarah Jo

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