I just crawled out of bed. Ug. When I got back home tonight, I had a horrible headache. I went upstairs and just enjoyed the darkness and my bed. I might have cried if I didn't think it would only make my head worse. My mom came upstairs with water and advil at one point. She felt my head and babied me. I sure love that woman.
I was going to do my homework but I feel that building pressure in my sinuses again. I think Ill go back to bed. History can wait till tomorrow.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
Monday, October 04, 2004
To use an archaic term: Wishing you were my beau.
We are not the same
you and me
as much as I
pretend to be.
I crush myself
into this mold
but this foreign shape
would never hold.
These poems that rhyme
feel so elementary
I suppose that was my
point of entry
And So I despise
every word that I write
making my poetry
soul - less and trite.
I was going to share something
a moment ago
maybe a complex way
of wishing you were my beau.
But as I have learned
words accomplish little
leaving me feeling
diluted and brittle.
As always, I'll leave you
with pieces of me
that may very much resemble
discarded, disturbing, debris.
you and me
as much as I
pretend to be.
I crush myself
into this mold
but this foreign shape
would never hold.
These poems that rhyme
feel so elementary
I suppose that was my
point of entry
And So I despise
every word that I write
making my poetry
soul - less and trite.
I was going to share something
a moment ago
maybe a complex way
of wishing you were my beau.
But as I have learned
words accomplish little
leaving me feeling
diluted and brittle.
As always, I'll leave you
with pieces of me
that may very much resemble
discarded, disturbing, debris.
I'm pretty sure he is just talking to himself.
People are weird.
And, on to a different subject. I signed up to take the Praxis exam today. Pretty sure it cost me $120. Ug. Anyway, so I have to go to Dayton at 7:30 in the morning on Oct. 20th to take the test for hours and hours to see if I am fit be a teacher. Im not too worried. Im just mad about the cost, geez.
Now, I just have to work with children for 100 hours and I'll have all my requirements met outside of class for the cohort. (Its okay if you understand none of this.)
And I need to make a lesson plan. Then Ill be done with all the stuff I have been avoiding.
And then Ill be happier. I hope.
And, on to a different subject. I signed up to take the Praxis exam today. Pretty sure it cost me $120. Ug. Anyway, so I have to go to Dayton at 7:30 in the morning on Oct. 20th to take the test for hours and hours to see if I am fit be a teacher. Im not too worried. Im just mad about the cost, geez.
Now, I just have to work with children for 100 hours and I'll have all my requirements met outside of class for the cohort. (Its okay if you understand none of this.)
And I need to make a lesson plan. Then Ill be done with all the stuff I have been avoiding.
And then Ill be happier. I hope.
Sunday, October 03, 2004
So she vacuumed.
Work today wore me out, but some not-strangers came in today and that was nice.
I guess my exam is tomorrow then.
I cant wait for Oct. 13th.
I was so sick last night. I am never eating at White Castle again. Ever.
So, apparently my idea of clean clashes with my mothers because she cleaned my room today. I kinda left off the whole dusting/vacuuming part. My idea of clean is to organize the giant piles of paper that seem so accumulate here. And the clothes. Mountains and mountains of clothes, but mostly paper. What kind of paper you say? Bills, bank statements, student loan paperwork, schedules, and other grown up stuff. And then random bits of poetry, websites I wrote down, lists of things like books to read, things to buy with my next paycheck, things to do. Receipts from paying bills and buying stuff. Business cards. My voter registration card. Concert ticket stubs and programs. Name-tag sticker things for some reason? Invitations for friends and family night at the bug, homework. . . I could really keep going, but I see you are getting bored.
So she vacuumed. Its funny, we have to turn the computers off before we vacuum upstairs or we blow a breaker. How funny is that? Consequently, we don't vacuum up here very much.
Um. . .
I am slowly moving toward independence. I wish I had my own bathroom. I buy my own toothpaste, soap, shampoo, conditioner, mouthwash, and other bathroom junk, because White Rain and dollar general brand soap just aren't for me anymore. My brother is just such a slob. If I had my own bathroom then I wouldn't have to worry about why the hand towel was crunchy or what that liquid on the toilet seat is. Eww, I know.
I said this to my father earlier and he got mad. He told me to appreciate what I already have, and I suppose he is right. I am just feeling ready to live on my own and not feeling ready to live on my own. And its confusing and it makes me restless.
I want things to be mine. I want to own things. I want to be responsible for something. Like my car. I own my car. The title is in my name and I like it much. I pay for my own insurance and oil changes and repairs and I like this because I can say, "No, you cannot borrow my car." and no one can "ground" me from it or anything. It is mine.
And I pay my own internet and phone bill. (The latter doesn't even serve a purpose.) But I do not have to worry about my parents saying that they cannot afford the internet this month or anything. I pay for it. I decided to get DSL. And its awesome. And its so worth it. And I do not have to fight about how long I tie up the phone line being on the internet, DSL doesn't use the phone, but I have my own line should I want it.
These things make me content, but I always want more. I want to be an adult, but I am not ready for it. First, I cant afford to live on my own, still being in school. And second, I cant live by myself. I need people. I need my family. (Although it is so awesome when it is just me in the house all day.)
Mom told me that we may move after Christmas. Of course, they say about every six months that we will be moving soon, but I have mixed feelings about this. I like it here. My room is HUGE. And if we move, it might not be. I like Middletown, and if we move, it might be Carlisle. But then, we may just move into a bigger house in Middletown and I might get a bedroom with its own bathroom. (I always get the master bedroom, I am SO spoiled.) I guess, as usual, We will see what we see.
Im still worried about the concert date.
Im so broke all the time.
Well, all my bills are paid.
And I buy lots of junk too.
Like concert tickets.
And CD's.
And books.
On eBay.
Because I love eBay.
And Amazon.
And Relient K.
And you too.
Well, I need to stop not studying.
I guess my exam is tomorrow then.
I cant wait for Oct. 13th.
I was so sick last night. I am never eating at White Castle again. Ever.
So, apparently my idea of clean clashes with my mothers because she cleaned my room today. I kinda left off the whole dusting/vacuuming part. My idea of clean is to organize the giant piles of paper that seem so accumulate here. And the clothes. Mountains and mountains of clothes, but mostly paper. What kind of paper you say? Bills, bank statements, student loan paperwork, schedules, and other grown up stuff. And then random bits of poetry, websites I wrote down, lists of things like books to read, things to buy with my next paycheck, things to do. Receipts from paying bills and buying stuff. Business cards. My voter registration card. Concert ticket stubs and programs. Name-tag sticker things for some reason? Invitations for friends and family night at the bug, homework. . . I could really keep going, but I see you are getting bored.
So she vacuumed. Its funny, we have to turn the computers off before we vacuum upstairs or we blow a breaker. How funny is that? Consequently, we don't vacuum up here very much.
Um. . .
I am slowly moving toward independence. I wish I had my own bathroom. I buy my own toothpaste, soap, shampoo, conditioner, mouthwash, and other bathroom junk, because White Rain and dollar general brand soap just aren't for me anymore. My brother is just such a slob. If I had my own bathroom then I wouldn't have to worry about why the hand towel was crunchy or what that liquid on the toilet seat is. Eww, I know.
I said this to my father earlier and he got mad. He told me to appreciate what I already have, and I suppose he is right. I am just feeling ready to live on my own and not feeling ready to live on my own. And its confusing and it makes me restless.
I want things to be mine. I want to own things. I want to be responsible for something. Like my car. I own my car. The title is in my name and I like it much. I pay for my own insurance and oil changes and repairs and I like this because I can say, "No, you cannot borrow my car." and no one can "ground" me from it or anything. It is mine.
And I pay my own internet and phone bill. (The latter doesn't even serve a purpose.) But I do not have to worry about my parents saying that they cannot afford the internet this month or anything. I pay for it. I decided to get DSL. And its awesome. And its so worth it. And I do not have to fight about how long I tie up the phone line being on the internet, DSL doesn't use the phone, but I have my own line should I want it.
These things make me content, but I always want more. I want to be an adult, but I am not ready for it. First, I cant afford to live on my own, still being in school. And second, I cant live by myself. I need people. I need my family. (Although it is so awesome when it is just me in the house all day.)
Mom told me that we may move after Christmas. Of course, they say about every six months that we will be moving soon, but I have mixed feelings about this. I like it here. My room is HUGE. And if we move, it might not be. I like Middletown, and if we move, it might be Carlisle. But then, we may just move into a bigger house in Middletown and I might get a bedroom with its own bathroom. (I always get the master bedroom, I am SO spoiled.) I guess, as usual, We will see what we see.
Im still worried about the concert date.
Im so broke all the time.
Well, all my bills are paid.
And I buy lots of junk too.
Like concert tickets.
And CD's.
And books.
On eBay.
Because I love eBay.
And Amazon.
And Relient K.
And you too.
Well, I need to stop not studying.
Saturday, October 02, 2004
I forgot I even had that!
I cleaned my room today. This always makes me feel refreshed, relieved.
Yeah, the potato festival was pretty boring, but I enjoyed spending time with my brother and my dad. We laughed all the way there talking about memories. That was nice. =)
I think the math test was pretty easy.
Well, I guess Ill go downstairs. I wanna do something, go somewhere, see someone.
Good day.
Yeah, the potato festival was pretty boring, but I enjoyed spending time with my brother and my dad. We laughed all the way there talking about memories. That was nice. =)
I think the math test was pretty easy.
Well, I guess Ill go downstairs. I wanna do something, go somewhere, see someone.
Good day.
Friday, October 01, 2004
That picture was called "Don't hurt me."
Do you hate the new picture? Should I change it, cus Ashley laughed at it (really loud) and now I feel all self-concious. I liked it but. . . thats me. I'll change it if no one likes it. Yeah. That would require you talking to me.
So, I am not in a very good mood, and I havent been all night long either. I am just stressed out, I guess. Oh well. Test in the morning, then potato festival. Um, and I need to go to hope house again, maybe Tuesday? Hmm. We will see.
And Im glad that I did not go to the trail tonight because I am so tired and grumpy. And broke. Always broke. But I was good, you see. I paid my car insurance bill almost a month early so I would have money to spend at the concert.
The referral didn't come in and that makes me sad. I want to see pictures of the new baby, whatever her name is. I sure hope she's healthy. We will be there soon enough, sweethart!
And there were little children in Fashion Bug today and I just wanted to hold their little hands and talk to them. *sigh*
And I keep talking about the darn book I finished reading. I need to slowly extracate myself from the world of fiction in my head. There are just so many other places I would rather be, I guess.
The Tendu remind me of the Piggies. Just a thought.
And I cannot remember the name for the little. . . I do remember! I will be drifting in a world of fiction where allu-a and aui actually exist. And everybody lived happily forever after.
So, I am not in a very good mood, and I havent been all night long either. I am just stressed out, I guess. Oh well. Test in the morning, then potato festival. Um, and I need to go to hope house again, maybe Tuesday? Hmm. We will see.
And Im glad that I did not go to the trail tonight because I am so tired and grumpy. And broke. Always broke. But I was good, you see. I paid my car insurance bill almost a month early so I would have money to spend at the concert.
The referral didn't come in and that makes me sad. I want to see pictures of the new baby, whatever her name is. I sure hope she's healthy. We will be there soon enough, sweethart!
And there were little children in Fashion Bug today and I just wanted to hold their little hands and talk to them. *sigh*
And I keep talking about the darn book I finished reading. I need to slowly extracate myself from the world of fiction in my head. There are just so many other places I would rather be, I guess.
The Tendu remind me of the Piggies. Just a thought.
And I cannot remember the name for the little. . . I do remember! I will be drifting in a world of fiction where allu-a and aui actually exist. And everybody lived happily forever after.
A reassuring blue.
In the book I am reading, the aliens turn colors for different emotions, like an all-over mood ring. I think that's awesome and scary. I guess I wouldn't want to be so transparent most of the time.That would be so vulnerable, I think. Not being able to hide anger, embarrassment, attraction, or anything. Wow. I have mastered hiding these things, I think. I call this lying. And I lie all the time. Heh.
Its funny though. Pink is excitement and brown is embarrassment. Its funny because I would be looking quite excited with spots of embarrassment all over! Oh, and Red is angry, so my hair would not know weather it was angry or embarrassed. That's funny. Well, I might as well tell you the rest. Gray is sad/dejected/disappointed/hurt. Green is pleased. Turquoise is really pleased, like when you eat a good food or find something you really like. Blue is reassuring and warm, happy feelings. Orange is fear. Silver is the color of death. Yeah, I think that's all, right? My eyes would be a reassuring blue, I guess. Gold is the color of arousal. I just remembered that one.
Hey, I wonder what black is? Or purple? Yellow? Hmm.
Anyway, I have known people who could read me like a Tendu.
And I think all us humans need allu-a.
I would like that, and be scared of it. Yeah.
Well, Im going to continue not doing my homework, and read the rest of my book. I've got like five pages left!
And I'm going to be sad when its over, but there is a second book called Through Alien Eyes. Ill havta buy it, I'm sure.
Oh, the book I am reading now is called The Color of Distance. That reminds me of Eng 112 last year: What is beyond the earth? The color of memory. I really liked that class. I want to take creative writing. I so do.
Well, until I see you again. . .
Its funny though. Pink is excitement and brown is embarrassment. Its funny because I would be looking quite excited with spots of embarrassment all over! Oh, and Red is angry, so my hair would not know weather it was angry or embarrassed. That's funny. Well, I might as well tell you the rest. Gray is sad/dejected/disappointed/hurt. Green is pleased. Turquoise is really pleased, like when you eat a good food or find something you really like. Blue is reassuring and warm, happy feelings. Orange is fear. Silver is the color of death. Yeah, I think that's all, right? My eyes would be a reassuring blue, I guess. Gold is the color of arousal. I just remembered that one.
Hey, I wonder what black is? Or purple? Yellow? Hmm.
Anyway, I have known people who could read me like a Tendu.
And I think all us humans need allu-a.
I would like that, and be scared of it. Yeah.
Well, Im going to continue not doing my homework, and read the rest of my book. I've got like five pages left!
And I'm going to be sad when its over, but there is a second book called Through Alien Eyes. Ill havta buy it, I'm sure.
Oh, the book I am reading now is called The Color of Distance. That reminds me of Eng 112 last year: What is beyond the earth? The color of memory. I really liked that class. I want to take creative writing. I so do.
Well, until I see you again. . .
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Ummm. . . .
I was going to tell you something and then I forgot! Something about. . . Well, I don't even remember that.
Ug. I have an exam tomorrow. Wish me well!
Oh, I found this. . . what do I call it. . . starts with an m. . .
Well, it doesnt matter,
Anyway, Lets start a chain. You can ask me any six questions and I must answer them completely honestly, but then I get to ask you six questions in return. Okay? Good. You start.
Ug. I have an exam tomorrow. Wish me well!
Oh, I found this. . . what do I call it. . . starts with an m. . .
Well, it doesnt matter,
Anyway, Lets start a chain. You can ask me any six questions and I must answer them completely honestly, but then I get to ask you six questions in return. Okay? Good. You start.
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
Wearing my big, green, fleece, robe.
My mom and I just got all the fleecey, fluffy, fuzzy stuff out of the storage bins in the closet. Yum.
A long list of me.
I still lick the spatula when my mom makes brownies.
I chew my bottom lip when Im nervous.
I look at my paper when I don't know the answer to a question in class.
I am afraid to talk to teenagers I do not know.
I sing really loud when Im alone in my car.
I stop when I get to a red light.
I turn my music up loud and roll my windows down and hope every hears so they know how cool I am.
I know I am not cool.
I make sure I am completely enfolded in covers before I turn the light out.
I do everything at the last minute.
I am usually early.
I like my job.
I like it when people touch my hair.
It makes me nervous when people touch me (hair included)
I was once hugged by a complete stranger.
I liked it.
Friendliness is the second thing I notice in a guy.
A smile is the first.
I am offended by cuss words.
I hate the word "aint"
I don't like country music or rap in most cases.
I have no compassion for those who do not help themselves.
I have no compassion for those that blame their circumstances on everyone/thing else.
I am socially/emotionally crippled by my own insecurities.
I need lots of reassurance.
I am more sensitive than I pretend to be.
I do not like to hang out in groups.
My family will always come first.
I procrastinate. Often.
I like having pictures of those I love.
I always forget to take my camera.
I communicate much better in writing.
I would rather use the computer than a pen.
You are beautiful because I love you, not the other way around.
I lie.
I spend too much time on the internet.
Do we share any of these?
I chew my bottom lip when Im nervous.
I look at my paper when I don't know the answer to a question in class.
I am afraid to talk to teenagers I do not know.
I sing really loud when Im alone in my car.
I stop when I get to a red light.
I turn my music up loud and roll my windows down and hope every hears so they know how cool I am.
I know I am not cool.
I make sure I am completely enfolded in covers before I turn the light out.
I do everything at the last minute.
I am usually early.
I like my job.
I like it when people touch my hair.
It makes me nervous when people touch me (hair included)
I was once hugged by a complete stranger.
I liked it.
Friendliness is the second thing I notice in a guy.
A smile is the first.
I am offended by cuss words.
I hate the word "aint"
I don't like country music or rap in most cases.
I have no compassion for those who do not help themselves.
I have no compassion for those that blame their circumstances on everyone/thing else.
I am socially/emotionally crippled by my own insecurities.
I need lots of reassurance.
I am more sensitive than I pretend to be.
I do not like to hang out in groups.
My family will always come first.
I procrastinate. Often.
I like having pictures of those I love.
I always forget to take my camera.
I communicate much better in writing.
I would rather use the computer than a pen.
You are beautiful because I love you, not the other way around.
I lie.
I spend too much time on the internet.
Do we share any of these?
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Be my escape - Relient K
" . . . And I've been housing all this doubt, and insecurity
and I've been locked inside that house
all the while you hold the key
and I've been dying to get out
and that might be the death of me."
and I've been locked inside that house
all the while you hold the key
and I've been dying to get out
and that might be the death of me."
Rainbow Bright
The light bulb was surrounded in a auro of colored light, but it faded with the fog on my glasses.
Your go-to girl.
Let me be
your
go-to girl.
Let mine be
the shoulder
you cry on.
I want to be strong
for you.
I wanna love you
oh,
like you've never been loved before.
And like I've never loved before.
I have had
salt stains
on my fingers before,
I can hold your tears too.
I will cradle you
when you feel broken.
Or just when you need
to be cradled.
When you are falling over
I can prop you up.
Let me be your
happy times.
When I'm done being
Honestly me
let me see
honestly you.
Let me be your
go-to girl.
your
go-to girl.
Let mine be
the shoulder
you cry on.
I want to be strong
for you.
I wanna love you
oh,
like you've never been loved before.
And like I've never loved before.
I have had
salt stains
on my fingers before,
I can hold your tears too.
I will cradle you
when you feel broken.
Or just when you need
to be cradled.
When you are falling over
I can prop you up.
Let me be your
happy times.
When I'm done being
Honestly me
let me see
honestly you.
Let me be your
go-to girl.
Go already.
You can now listen to four Relient K songs at Purevolume. Excuse me? Why are you still here? I said RELIENT K SONGS ARE AVAILABLE AT PURE VOLUME! GO LISTEN!
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