Monday, April 12, 2010

In which Sarah Jo makes TWO lists:

I get compliments everyday. I don't know if that is normal or not. I only know what it is like to be me. And I get compliments all day long. I'm thinking it must not be normal because I give compliments and most people don't react well.

I like it when people say nice things to me. I'm happy and friendly and cheerful because I just feel that way. Because I want other people to feel that way too. I don't do it for gain. But when someone comments on it, it is so refreshing. Uplifting. Encouraging. All I can say is: Thank you.

People say these things:
I wish there were more people like you working here.
Well, aren't you cheerful!
I'll have whatever you're on!
Are your curls natural? They are SO pretty.
I LOVE your glasses.
You have the prettiest eyes.
What a great smile.
What are you so happy about?
You are the most cheerful person I've ever seen here.
Is she always like this?

And when I'm feeling grumpy about this or that thing, it makes me feel so much better to hear these things. Especially when I'm not trying particularly hard to be nice to a customer and they think my grumpy is cheerful. Thats nice.

What I mean to say is coming soon, I promise.

On days like today, it is easy to like me. I can see the good things I am and focus on that. I wish I could save the feeling and bottle it up for the days I don't feel so good about me. And I notice the day I don't feel good about me are the days I start to feel lonely for my Person. That isn't good. Because my self-worth shouldn't be all tied up in whether or not I'm dating someone. Obviously, I'm not dating anyone and that doesn't make me any better or worse. I am me, a human being worthy of love and respect regardless of my relationship status.

It's just

Those compliments, they are all really easy to say. It doesn't cost a person anything to give a compliment. So they are sort of like costume jewelry or cotton candy. They don't last. And I guess I'm hungry for the kind of compliment that doesn't have words. That someone would want to spend time with me over all the other girls. And that he would want to get to know me and give me his time and attention in a way above and beyond the other people. That is the ultimate compliment, right? The one they keep saying to you everyday just by being there. I choose you.

So it feels like picking teams and now more than half the people are picked already and I'm standing here wondering what qualities I'm missing that those first-picked people posses. And I'm looking around at the people beside me wondering which one of us is going to get picked last. But in this game, there is no guarantee that we all get picked. Maybe I'll never get to play.

I learned in school that it takes 10 nice things to outweigh every negative statement. Sometimes it feels like every day alone is a negative statement.

I try not to dwell on it. I mean, I don't dwell on it. It just seems to bother me more in moments when I'm sitting alone in my room. I am not patient. I am slow to anger. I am tolerant. I am open. I will put up with something for a ridiculously long time. But I don't like waiting. I don't wait well. Sometimes I think my entire life is a lesson in patience that I just keep failing.

Melanie, one of my co-workers, says her daughter keeps wanting to set me up with her son. She told me today that they all talked about me this weekend. I told her to give him my number. What could I lose? He sounds like someone I would like. She says he is positive and upbeat. She says we like the same kinds of movies and music. He is in school. He likes to cook. She says I would have to teach him to eat healthy and be active. I'm certainly willing to meet him. I hear he is shy.

And lately I am starting to get angry. Mostly at myself, I think. For letting people make me feel less worthy. I let people treat me with disrespect. Disregard. Like I'm not worth time, attention, or consideration. Like it is okay to ignore me or pretend my feelings don't matter. I still haven't learned this lesson. How to stand up for myself. How to draw lines about what is okay and what isn't okay behavior. This is how you may treat me. This is behavior I will not tolerate. I'm going to make a concentrated effort in this area. I don't like buying into the lies.

I really just need to talk. I've spent a lot of time around people lately without actually talking about all these things going on in my head. I listen. I follow the conversation. But the people I really talk to, I haven't talked to for at least a few days. The words all back up inside like cars at a traffic light. I swear all the things I'm not saying are going to start spilling out my ears. They will trickle onto the floor and roll around until someone falls over them.

Good things:
I'm going to Kentucky this weekend to visit Heather. She invited me this morning. I love impromptu things!
Sarah is coming with me. Hooray!
Johnna made doing laundry a lovely, lovely experience last night.
I'm going to do something outside Thursday with Jeremy.
I had a blast in Columbus and want to go again.
Katy joined me on my lunch break today. I love surprises!
Johnna gave me books!
The weather is absolutely and totally gorgeous.
I'm learning things, even if it does suck.
My bed is super-awesome place to be.
I miss people. I'm glad I have so many people to miss.
I have ALL my teeth. All of them.
Some people think I'm funny. If you don't, it is probably you're fault somehow.
I love to sing and I get to do it for free every single day!
My bike!
I have this car that turns on every time I twist the key. EVERY TIME!
I always have food to eat, a place to sleep, and a place to get clean, even if it isn't "home."
We have hot water.
I am really and truly and  honestly happy.

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