Sunday, January 03, 2010

This is how it is for me right now:

I may be too emotional and too sensitive and too impatient, but I don't know any perspective but my own. And I don't even understand that one most of the time. It would be most helpful if you could explain to me exactly how you feel and what you're going through and what it all means to you. Because without the words, I can't figure it out from here. I just come up with conjectures. That are usually the worst possible conclusions to come to. That are usually wrong. And most of the time I feel foolish for even thinking you could be thinking such things and I'm so glad I kept my stupid mouth shut, and I would love very much to get to that part very, very soon.

I don't like the way this feels. I feel so disconnected. I feel ignored. I'm confused and I don't understand why I have to wait so long for you to help me understand. It makes me feel like I have that rock in my chest again and no matter what else I'm thinking about or doing it is weighing on me. Bending all my other thoughts around the obstruction.

Yes, I'm wondering about what happened. I want to talk about it and see what it means to you, for us. But more than that I am bothered by the lack of communication. It doesn't feel accidental to me. It feels like you just didn't want to talk to me but didn't have enough respect for me to even tell me that much. To tell me, "Sarah Jo, I just need a few days to process this without talking to you." That is easier for me to understand.

So I don't know what is going to happen next and I cannot stop worrying about it. I don't want to worry about it. I want it to be resolved and over, no matter what the outcome. This waiting makes me feel sick.

I'm so ready to be whatever kind of friend you want me to be. I'll lie and pretend I'm okay even when I'm not. It won't take me long to get back to okay once I know what on earth the situation is. If you could please tell me what the situation is.

No comments: