Saturday, January 02, 2010

Remember when I said that? I was wrong. Again.

I think I say this quite a bit but, I was wrong.

So I used to think that never having dated/being a virgin still at 23 was worse than having experienced those things and then having to go without them. I couldn't understand the other point of view. I have never been there. I still haven't. And I couldn't see how having a thing, however brief or long ago, a thing everyone seems to chase after, could make it worse for not having it. At least they knew how it felt. At least they had a few precious memories to cling to. THEY don't understand the feeling of . . . knowing that in 23 years no one has ever wanted to touch me. No one has ever wanted to be with me. Just me. How could it be worse? The feeling is a knife, slowly inching deeper with the passing days. Getting knocked around by my inept heart.

But I think I was wrong.

Because now I see that there are thousands of little things I can't even begin to imagine. Things I don't even know to miss. Its awful having this big, empty spot in my mind where my relationship knowledge should go, but I think having more information might just make it worse. This is how it feels to feel loved. (You can't have that now.) This is how it feels to sleep in someone's arms. (You can't have that now.) This is how it feels to whisper in the darkness. (You can't have that now.) On and on. Thousands of things I don't even know. Couldn't possibly understand. Couldn't possibly miss yet.

And I try to draw parallels to weight loss. Because before I didn't have any idea how it felt to feel strong and healthy and good about me and my body. I thought that was awful. But now I know. And to go back there to where I was would be unbearable now. Because now I know exactly what I would miss. Exactly how awful it really is in comparison.

Having said that, I know that if, for some reason, I had to live out a great portion of my life as the fat, fat person I was, I'm glad to have gotten it over with.

But if I have to spend a great portion of my life alone, I would rather figure out exactly how much I'm missing. I know it makes the pain of loneliness even worse. I know the cost is so much higher than not trying at all. I know it might bring me to the greatest pain I would ever really know.


It must be worth it. People keep trying and trying and trying for some elusive thing. It must be worth it. And I want to find out what it IS worth. Today, I don't care about the consequences.

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