Saturday, June 14, 2008

Things I keep doing.

I keep asking myself, Why can't I have it? Have I done something wrong? Am I flawed in some way that deserves punishment? Have I not tried hard enough? Am I not prepared enough?

I keep thinking that if I cry enough, it will stop hurting so much. Like when you feel sick and then feel better after throwing up. Surely I could eventually cry enough tears that the hurt would evaporate from my cheeks. But it doesn't.

I keep waiting for something to change, for today to be better than yesterday, but I'm still always on the edge of tears. I've tried to shut down the non-essential parts of me, shoring up the core so I can survive because this doesn't feel like waiting, it feels like the end. I can't see the future, I only see today.

I keep trying to find other things to look forward to but they are tainted with dissapointment and fear. When school starts in August will there be another classroom with desks too small for me? When I go to the bahamas will I be too worried about how I look in my bathing suit to enjoy the beauty of the ocean? When I graduate, will I move out or stay here waiting, waiting, waiting for something that may never happen?

I keep looking for the part of me that broke so I can try to fix it. I've always been so strong; what happened to me?

I keep praying to a God I'm losing faith in.

I keep looking to the sun for comfort.

I keep pretending that I'm okay because so many people expect me to be.

I keep pushing myself a little further away from those people that expect me to be okay. If they can't understand me now, they will never, never understand.

I keep holding on to the belief that it gets better because that's all I've had my whole life, the broken mantra "It get's better." But it just gets different kinds of worse all the time and after everything I've been though, after everything I've experienced I've let this one thing hurt more than anything and I don't know how to stop it and I can't figure out how to make it better.

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