I know all I do is complain anymore, but I dont know what else to do. I can talk about all my happy things with other people, but discussing the fact that I'm still miserable and impatient isn't really exciting for anyone. Everytime someone asks me how I am, I just want to tell them that I am one step away from falling apart. But thats not a topic for casual conversation. It reminds me of my customers when I ask them how they are and they say something like, "I'm so bloated, you know how it is." Uh, no I don't and I would rather not know anymore. So instead of sharing it, I write it here.
I don't think my poor mom can handle any more of my tears. She would fix it if she could, but there is nothing she can do but wait with me. It seems everyday is ticking by without my permission. Why should the calendar move when my life has stopped? I am being dragged forward to a future I do not want. If I knew that I would be stuck in this body, just like this, for the rest of my life, I don't know what else I have to look forward to. It would be a miserable, uncomfortable future. I would lumber through, trying unsuccessfully to lose weight and maintain happiness until I died of some co-morbidity, alone. Excellent.
SO, this is what I'm thinking about when I gaze off into space. It is nothing you want to hear about.