Monday, June 23, 2008

More complaining from the new, depressed Sarah Jo

I know all I do is complain anymore, but I dont know what else to do. I can talk about all my happy things with other people, but discussing the fact that I'm still miserable and impatient isn't really exciting for anyone. Everytime someone asks me how I am, I just want to tell them that I am one step away from falling apart. But thats not a topic for casual conversation. It reminds me of my customers when I ask them how they are and they say something like, "I'm so bloated, you know how it is." Uh, no I don't and I would rather not know anymore. So instead of sharing it, I write it here.

I don't think my poor mom can handle any more of my tears. She would fix it if she could, but there is nothing she can do but wait with me. It seems everyday is ticking by without my permission. Why should the calendar move when my life has stopped? I am being dragged forward to a future I do not want. If I knew that I would be stuck in this body, just like this, for the rest of my life, I don't know what else I have to look forward to. It would be a miserable, uncomfortable future. I would lumber through, trying unsuccessfully to lose weight and maintain happiness until I died of some co-morbidity, alone. Excellent.

SO, this is what I'm thinking about when I gaze off into space. It is nothing you want to hear about.

Sarah Jo

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

wishing you a peace filled week-end

Anonymous said...

I feel the same way. I'm so damned tired of feeling like shit. I can't sleep and tomorrow I have three classes and I don't really think I give a damn. I just want to quit college and just...geez I never would of thought I would be this way, but it's like it's out of my control. Not to join in with the pity party or anything, but yeah that's exactly what I'm doing. Damn, the more I think about it the more I just can't remember being happy and the more I just want to hit something. I can't believe I'm complaining like this. But like you I can't help but put on a smile and say every thing's okay, because I don't want to bore people with my crap. Oh my God! I just can't stand it. It hurts like hell and I think I might be shaving years off my life right now. I can't even laugh at the things that used to make me laugh. I can only laugh in my head--and it's at how pathetic I'm feeling right now. My lord, a true drama queen! What the crap. I don't even know. I think I've been ignoring it for like three weeks now, wish I could go back to that. I just can't stand college! I can't stand myself! And I can't stand anyone around me. I just can't accept anything. I used to be a devote Christian now I just can't stand to think of God, because I'll bet I'm going to hell with all the doubting I've been doing. Maybe there's an intermediate hell he can send me to, or maybe something like an average hell for an average person who gets average grades and can't do math unless it's spelled out for her (English major haha--not really) Life seems like a joke to me. I mean why the crap did God create us just to have us swim in our own filth, trash his name, doubt our genders (to many fucking people doing that these days, like someone needs to tell them which private part they were born with, and where it goes on top of that) There's that and people who think because you're not a gay loving fool, you must be gay yourself--geez that MUST be it-ha, damn fools. I wish it was, then I would be happy--ha. Geez, what plight could be more important than lesbians and Gays? Oh, I don't know, the FRIGGIN war, where people are DYING, abortion, because babies are being killed legally, murder, rape ANYTHING BUT FUCKING GAYS AND LESBIANS. Nobody should give a flying flip about what or who someone is having sex with. WHO CARES. People are dying and we're fixated on sexual preferences. They don't need more rights they already have them damnit--if I had it my way we'd line them all up and ship them to their own friggin island were they can wear their rainbows and shit. I don't get why people think it's funny for a guy to have a lisp and act like a complete moron--but whatever that's just me. Bah. I'm just sick of people in general. I'm tired of having to deal with all the crap they spew everyday. That means actors too. Good grief who cares who Angelina slept with! NOT ME. Now about Brad...NO! I don't. They all suck as far as I'm concerned. I just watch movies. I don't care what they do in their personal lives. What about the war isn't that important!!??? Why are we fighting?--OH THEY SENT PLANES INTO THE TOWERS AND KILLED THOUSANDS OF AMERICANS? What? OH, yeah that's why. Damn anybody who says otherwise because they're idiots. I just want to smack anyone who voted for Obama too. Why the hell did they vote for him? He has no experience and he's a stinking socialist. Oh wait it's because he's black and people wanted a black president because it would prove that Blacks are "Totally Awesome!" Oh my word if I have to listen to one more college kid bitch about how old McCain was and how he was just another bush and that Palin sucks--even though she has more experience than Obama, but whatever--he's black if I say anything bad about him I'm a racist. Which is bullshit considering I would have voted for a pro-life non-socialist black guy who didn't have ridiculously large ears--kidding. But he would have had helluva lot more experience than Obama who will just screw us over and when those college kids can't afford college with all that spreading the wealth they're doing--I'll laugh so hard I'll shit my pants. Because I make minimum wage at my job and my families farm is eligible for that wealth they voted to pass around and hell, we can take it without a guilty thought because we didn't vote for the moron. I can't believe how much I've written here, and I feel slightly vindicated. But the worlds still going to hell in a hand basket whether or not people are dancing in Hawaii doesn't make a bit of difference. But hey we'll have change yay! Not friggin really. I should just shut up. But I won't. Anyway, there's also that rehabilitation for criminals that I don't care for that he supports. Like a pedophile deserves another chance--after he's molested about ONE is when he should FUCKING DIE. Rapists and murderers all deserve to die. This rehabilitation crap is about on my last nerve. We need to protect the people that don't murder and rape. And yes God does support death for people like this, there are many passages about law, government and examples of this in the Bible. Not like that matters apparently I'm a crappy Christian so I shouldn't be preaching but I will anyway. People who say the Bible is subject to humanity and is distorted by it are shitheads who have even less a right to call themselves Christian than I do. Nothing in the Bible can be proven false--all of it lines up with history and if you're a Christian God is in control and they were the prophets making their word absolute--and in the new testament Jesus even says he did not come to disprove the prophets, even though a lot of people say *insert whiny voice* we follow the NEW TESTAMENT blah blah. NO! One and the same stupid. Besides people know what's right deep inside you know. I know that if anyone killed, or raped my child the last thing they would see would be the barrel of my gun. But people think that's too extreme nowadays--even though they watch their nasty movies and their horror--which I get queasy thinking about. Funny how I don't enjoy mutilation and torture for fun but I can imagine it out of necessity. OH, EVOLUTION that's another good one. Even if I wasn't a Christian that shit wouldn't fly. MONKEYS?? Man, there went my respect for science. Oh. My. Word. Evolution is the dumbest theory I have ever heard in my life. Why the hell are monkeys still here if they became people? Oh, we separated from the rest as we became evolutionized. SURE, yeah that's what happened. Because that's why eskimos didn't just grow extremely thick fur to adapt to the arctic cold. That's why we've suddenly decided to stop changing--what the hell??? It's also funny how they constantly find extinct creatures that supposedly morphed. My word I can't even validate it. There's just no way. Who believes this crap? I tried to but I found out that I actually have a brain, I must have been separated from the idiot herd when I developed a brain and started forming thoughts. Well, it's three thirty am and I still haven't gotten any sleep. Whoopee. Maybe if I wait a couple million years the rest of the world will evolutionize to develop brains and I'll have somebody to talk to--or even better they'll all be dead and nobody will be here to bother me.

Good Night. Or whatever.