Monday, May 26, 2008

I'm so unhappy.

I'm so unhappy, and I don't know how to make it better. Before, every unpleasant thing passed so that I was unhappy for a day or two and then I got used to the idea of said unpleasant thing and found happiness again.

But no matter how hard I try, I can't get used to the idea of waiting any longer. I've waited and it was right there, I was two weeks away and now its supposed to be in some unknown date in the future. I don't know how to be okay again. Everyone thinks I should be okay and I'm not. I don't know how to be. So I keep crying all the time and I have to wait until no one else is around because they all expect me to be used to the idea that this surgery will happen later.

I'm so unhappy. And I cant stop. It doesnt mater that "things happen for a reason" or that "it will happen in time." I'm so unhappy. I don't even have words for it when words have always been enough for me. I just want to give up on everything and stop trying to live anymore. I want to stay in my room and hope that time speeds by without me so that I don't have to face the situations that make me miserable.

But I'm trying.

One of the things I was looking forward to after the surgery was throwing away all my new clothes and staring over with new ones. So today, I cleaned out my closet and I bought some new clothes. It wasnt what I really wanted, but it was close. I figured I should spend my life waiting for something that may never happen anyway.

And I still go out with my friends and go to the gym and go to work, but I feel like a liar the whole time because I've given up inside and now I'm just pretending to be okay. I don't care if you think I'm being dramatic or too emotional.

I'm so unhappy.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Oh, do the good things happen?

I made video, but I havent said anything here about it, but apparently my surgery cant be paid for until the estate goes through probate, which I've heard takes at least six months. This would mean me cancelling surgery until that time. I heard this on Tuesday and I took it really hard. I had a very rough time of it.

So, yesterday I applied for a loan to pay for the surgery until the inheritance comes through. I'm waiting to hear back on that one. I just really dont want to wait anymore. I know others have waited much longer and some never get it at all, but its really hard to have a date and then have it snatched away like that. I guess I'll call the loan lady back today, I havent heard from her yet.

If I cant get this loan, I think it might be awhile before I'm okay again. Its seems all I've done my whole life is wait for it to start. I thought the fat would end. I thought I had a way out and now I have to wait more.

I know that sometimes things happen for a reason but I find it hard to believe that a God who gave us free will is orchastrating everything to "his perfect timing." Either He lets us do what we want to do, or He controlls us. How is there an in between? So, I guess for me, it is finding the place God wants me to be with this news. After all, He knew what would happen whether or not He made it that way. He knows still what will happen. I really hope I can find a place to be okay about not having surgery. I shouldn't hope so much after being dissapointed so many times in my life. I'm afraid to want things but I can't not want this.

I've been going to the gym four days a week for the last month and I'm only gaining weight. Its so dissapointing. Its only affirmation that I can't do this alone.

For now, I'm anxious and dissapointed and waiting for news.

Sarah Jo