I'm so unhappy, and I don't know how to make it better. Before, every unpleasant thing passed so that I was unhappy for a day or two and then I got used to the idea of said unpleasant thing and found happiness again.
But no matter how hard I try, I can't get used to the idea of waiting any longer. I've waited and it was right there, I was two weeks away and now its supposed to be in some unknown date in the future. I don't know how to be okay again. Everyone thinks I should be okay and I'm not. I don't know how to be. So I keep crying all the time and I have to wait until no one else is around because they all expect me to be used to the idea that this surgery will happen later.
I'm so unhappy. And I cant stop. It doesnt mater that "things happen for a reason" or that "it will happen in time." I'm so unhappy. I don't even have words for it when words have always been enough for me. I just want to give up on everything and stop trying to live anymore. I want to stay in my room and hope that time speeds by without me so that I don't have to face the situations that make me miserable.
But I'm trying.
One of the things I was looking forward to after the surgery was throwing away all my new clothes and staring over with new ones. So today, I cleaned out my closet and I bought some new clothes. It wasnt what I really wanted, but it was close. I figured I should spend my life waiting for something that may never happen anyway.
And I still go out with my friends and go to the gym and go to work, but I feel like a liar the whole time because I've given up inside and now I'm just pretending to be okay. I don't care if you think I'm being dramatic or too emotional.
I'm so unhappy.