Monday, May 26, 2008

I'm so unhappy.

I'm so unhappy, and I don't know how to make it better. Before, every unpleasant thing passed so that I was unhappy for a day or two and then I got used to the idea of said unpleasant thing and found happiness again.

But no matter how hard I try, I can't get used to the idea of waiting any longer. I've waited and it was right there, I was two weeks away and now its supposed to be in some unknown date in the future. I don't know how to be okay again. Everyone thinks I should be okay and I'm not. I don't know how to be. So I keep crying all the time and I have to wait until no one else is around because they all expect me to be used to the idea that this surgery will happen later.

I'm so unhappy. And I cant stop. It doesnt mater that "things happen for a reason" or that "it will happen in time." I'm so unhappy. I don't even have words for it when words have always been enough for me. I just want to give up on everything and stop trying to live anymore. I want to stay in my room and hope that time speeds by without me so that I don't have to face the situations that make me miserable.

But I'm trying.

One of the things I was looking forward to after the surgery was throwing away all my new clothes and staring over with new ones. So today, I cleaned out my closet and I bought some new clothes. It wasnt what I really wanted, but it was close. I figured I should spend my life waiting for something that may never happen anyway.

And I still go out with my friends and go to the gym and go to work, but I feel like a liar the whole time because I've given up inside and now I'm just pretending to be okay. I don't care if you think I'm being dramatic or too emotional.

I'm so unhappy.


Tom & Icy said...

When you look forward to something, it seems time drags on so slowly. But when you look back, it seems that time has flown by too quickly. It's so sad to hear that you are unhappy. If only there was a laxative for life to make it all come out okay.

Anonymous said...

You should consider reading the Koran. May sound a bit surprising to say or perhaps even crazy to you but there's no harm in reading it right? I know exactly how you feel and the emptiness and constant sadness for seems to diminish once I read koran and have nothing to lose right? Hope you are happier now since this post is 2 years ago