I made video, but I havent said anything here about it, but apparently my surgery cant be paid for until the estate goes through probate, which I've heard takes at least six months. This would mean me cancelling surgery until that time. I heard this on Tuesday and I took it really hard. I had a very rough time of it.
So, yesterday I applied for a loan to pay for the surgery until the inheritance comes through. I'm waiting to hear back on that one. I just really dont want to wait anymore. I know others have waited much longer and some never get it at all, but its really hard to have a date and then have it snatched away like that. I guess I'll call the loan lady back today, I havent heard from her yet.
If I cant get this loan, I think it might be awhile before I'm okay again. Its seems all I've done my whole life is wait for it to start. I thought the fat would end. I thought I had a way out and now I have to wait more.
I know that sometimes things happen for a reason but I find it hard to believe that a God who gave us free will is orchastrating everything to "his perfect timing." Either He lets us do what we want to do, or He controlls us. How is there an in between? So, I guess for me, it is finding the place God wants me to be with this news. After all, He knew what would happen whether or not He made it that way. He knows still what will happen. I really hope I can find a place to be okay about not having surgery. I shouldn't hope so much after being dissapointed so many times in my life. I'm afraid to want things but I can't not want this.
I've been going to the gym four days a week for the last month and I'm only gaining weight. Its so dissapointing. Its only affirmation that I can't do this alone.
For now, I'm anxious and dissapointed and waiting for news.