Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Daylight come and me (don't) wan' go home.

If its okay, I would like to say some things here that I cant say to my father:

You make it so I don't want to come home. Do you know that? I try to figure out places to be until you are asleep so you wont ask me for money. You dont listen when I say no. You make me feel guilty and unreasonable. And now, I am having nightmares about you. In my dreams, you steal from me until I am in debt and then say you had no choice. In my dreams, you don't care, and I'm beginning to think that you don't care now. I am trying my best to lay down a foundation for my future, a future where I am not poor, living from paycheck to paycheck, like you. A future where I can take things like toilet paper, running water, and a place to live for granted. I want to know what its like to not appreciate the toilet flushing. Is that wrong of me? But you, you make it so I have to bail you out of jail and pay the rent and the water bill and wonder what will happen next while I try to pay off my credit cards. And I feel guilty about going on a cruise with my friends because I know I cant afford it because of YOU. But more than any of this, I am most troubled by the fact that you make me NOT WANT TO COME HOME. If I cant come home, where can I go? This has always been the placein the world that I feel the most comfortable, even when I dont feel safe, but now I dont like being here. It is like a film on the walls that clings to my skin and gets into my lungs and follows me out the door. What do I do? I love you, but you are making me miserable.

In other news,

I took myself out to dinner tonight (for aforemention reasons) and with my reciept, the server gave me his phone number.

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