Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Thats so me

I think it terrible that the people that hurt me the most are the ones I call friends and family. It happens occasionally or continuously depending on which group it is. So thats why I would rather stay home alone. And thats why I have trouble getting close to others and trusting others. And thats why I don't tell you what I think or feel and why I don't explain my actions and leave you wondering.

And to me, hanging out in groups is painful. I like people one at a time and no more than that. When I'm with a group, its those four people and then me. I don't like it, but I do it because I like you and you would want me to and you wouldnt understand if I didnt want to go. So I go. And then its hard for me not to sit there silently while the rest of you talk, and its hard for me when I'm talking and you all are looking at me. So, while it may not seem like much to you, its progress when I go and I talk and I smile.

So all holiday season I've gone and I've talked and I've smiled.
And then I get hurt.

And its already taking enough effort to do what I'm doing, I cant let you see that I'm upset. Thats not what I do. I hide it and go away somewhere by myself. It takes a lot of courage to let others see me anything other than happy. So when we are all sitting there and everyone is all smiles, I'm telling myself that I can cry later when I get home. And I'm telling myself that its not worth the effort. It would have been better to stay at home anyway. I'll stay at home next time.

Oh, and happy new year.

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