how much I love Him

I just finished watching Pride and Prejudice. Again. Now, I don't usually like the girl movies; I like science fiction and fantasy and all things completely and totally fictional. But that movie. . . I like happy endings.

This weekend was nice. I spent most of it with my family. I never had so much fun going to the grocery store. Today was one of those days that could repeat itself over and over again to my infinite satisfaction. But no, tomorrow draws nigh with its own joys and disappointments.

And I did get upset this weekend. I got very upset. I cried. And I walked away again just like I always do when I'm hurt. But I'm tired of this. I'm tired of unforgivness and suspicion. I'm tired of pretending that everything is okay as long as we don't talk about it. I'm tired having to choose sides even though everyone tells me it has nothing to do with me, that I shouldn't worry about it. I should worry about it! And I have chosen.

God has always been my joy. He has always been my peace. He has been my song and my teacher and the greatest love of my life. Lately, He has been my comfort, He has been my healer, and my provider, all these things, in ways I never understood before. I always pray that I want to know Him more, that I want a closer relationship, and now I understand that for Him to be my comfort, I need to need comfort. If He is to be my provider, I have to be in a place that requires being provided for. I have to fall down every once in a while to understand just how well, how often, how fast, He will pick me up, dust me off, and set me right again. Words cannot adequately express. . .

So I just played the same song over and over again on the way home and it did make me feel a little better.

Just close your eyes and sit so still you can feel your heartbeat everywhere. That's where that happy starts.

Mmm. Delicious happiness. I like the feeling that, right now, I am exactly where I want to be. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I don't think I could define exactly what is so happy. I just finished a book with a happy ending. I'm not falling all over that boy anymore. And you know what? He knew I liked him, he told me he didn't feel the same, and it wasn't the end of the world, like I thought it would be. Okay. It was okay. And. . . Lets see. . . I just had a three day weekend, that was two days longer than usual. And I've discovered, again, that God always takes care of me. He always makes things better right before that panic moment. There's always the initial, "oh, that's not good". That feeling slowly builds into a more defined stress/anxiety. And then right before I freak out, so to speak, *poof*, Jesus is magic, and I'm happy again. So yeah. God is good, all the time. . .

You know, if I never needed Him, I wouldn't know how much I need him. If I never fell on my face, I wouldn't know what it was like to be picked up and dusted off. If life was never hard, I wouldn't know the God of comfort. I always pray that I want to know Him more, that I want a closer, deeper relationship. And I understand now that sometimes to know that God is peace, I need to experience chaos. To know that God is my healer, I need to experience pain. I keep falling deeper into the greatest love I'll ever know and it just gets better and better.

This is what happiness feels like.




*Note: So, I was doing spell-check and apparently I spelled "exactly" wrong somehow by switching the last four letters around and the options I was given to replace it with were: ejaculate, ejaculated, ejaculates, ejaculating, ejaculation, ejaculations. Yeah, because that's what I meant by "exaclty". Computers. *rolls eyes*

We don’t know how to say goodbye

So
We are standing here
in the parking lot
again
shifting our weight
from one foot
to the other
somewhere near your car
or mine
or some place between them
talking about arbitrary things
for one more minute
and another
and another

We don’t know how to say goodbye.

So
we are talking
on the phone
again
our ears have long since
turned red
and the moments of silence
are growing
longer and longer
nevertheless, we stay on
for one more minute
and another
and another

We don’t know how to say goodbye.

So
maybe it’s not that
we have terribly interesting
things to share
or that
we don’t spend enough time
together
maybe
I just enjoy your presence
and everything you have to say
and I certainly don’t mind
laughing with you
for one more minute
and another
and another

I do know how to say goodbye
I just don’t want to.

Playing Ketchup

I haven't posted in a while. What's happened? I was baptized on June 25 and it was much awesome. It was a beautiful day and everything was perfect. And. . . Oh, my birthday was last weekend. That was fun. Friday I got a Relient K shirt in the mail I wasn't expecting. Saturday I went shopping after work and then I went to my aunts house for what I thought was dinner but ended up being my birthday party complete with ice cream cake. Yay. Ashley and I made a midnight trip to Super Wal-Mart, and, consequently, I slept through church on Sunday. But I did meet Nika for some slushy-drinking and mall-shopping and she gave me flowers! Not only were they flowers, they were PINK flowers! It was very nice. I had never gotten flowers before and everytime I look at them it makes me smile and feel happy inside. Yay. Then, I went to the movies and dinner with Joanie, Kaitlynn, and Elisabeth. The awesome times didn't end at the weekend though, because today I had lunch with my favorite girls. It was just wonderful and surprising and I liked every moment of it. I liked the surprises very much. And now, if you'll excuse me, I have several papers to write that are kind of due tomorrow. Hehe.

Sarah Jo

Ideas, help?

So, I turn twenty a little over a week and I want to do something fun, something different, but I don't know what to do. I was thinking maybe a comedy club? But then I don't know which one to go to or if it would be vulgar. Hmm. What do people do? I don't know.

Sarah Jo

"9,000 years ago. . ."

Or, more specifically: Wednesday, September 29, 2004 I made a list of random things about me. I decided to edit/update/extend said list after further inspiration from Nika. Here goes:


I still lick the spatula when my mom makes brownies.
I chew my bottom lip when I am nervous.
I look at my paper when I do not know the answer to a question in class.
I am afraid to talk to teenagers I do not know.
I sing really loud when I am alone in my car.
I stop when I get to a red light.
I turn my music up loud and roll my windows down and hope everyone hears so they know how cool I am.
I know I am not cool.
I make sure I am completely enfolded in covers before I turn the light out.
I do everything at the last minute.
I am usually early.
I love my job and my coworkers. Really.
I like it when people touch my hair.
It makes me nervous when people touch me (hair included)
I was once hugged by a complete stranger.
I liked it.
Friendliness is the second thing I notice in a person.
A smile is the first.
I am offended by cuss words.
I hate the word "aint"
I do not like country music or rap in most cases.
I have little compassion for those who make no effort help themselves and/or blame their circumstances on everyone/thing else.
I will not allow my own insecurities to hinder my social/emotional growth.
I need lots of reassurance.
I am more sensitive than I pretend to be.
I do not like to hang out in groups.
My family will always come first.
I procrastinate. Often.
I like having pictures of those I love.
I always forget to take my camera.
I communicate much better in writing.
I would rather use the computer than a pen.
You are beautiful because I love you, not the other way around.
I lie, not with words, but with silences.
I spend too much time on the internet.
I just hate being alone.
I feel special when you remember something I said a while ago.
I feel most loved when you listen to me.
I like the icing more than the cake.
I only floss occasionally.
I feel guilty about it.
I feel so uncool.
I could spend days sprawled across my bed with a good book.
My room is a mess most of the time.
I wear less than half the shoes I own.
My best features are my eyes and smile.
I have to wash my hands often.
I do not remember the last time I washed my car.
I do not feel like I have control of my life.
I rarely study.
I do not eat fruit or vegetables in most cases.
I get a word of the day in my email because I never want to stop learning, even for a day.
I am afraid I will end up alone.
I wish I could make beautiful music.
I hated 1984.
I love to write.
I don’t understand mean people, but I am learning to handle them well.
I hate being late, so I always arrive too early.
Nature is pretty as long as it doesn’t touch me.
I feel out of place amongst my peer group.
I find it hard to get close to new people.
I am terrified of bugs of all kinds.
I have no sense of direction.
I do not like to wear shorts, low-cut tops, or shoes that show my toes.
I love flip-flops.
I cry.
I love movies.
I love to laugh.
I just love iTunes
And Kidd Coffee
I cannot wash my hair every day.
I like food way too much.
I am uncomfortable in my own body.
What I really want is to be completely known, loved unconditionally, and to be seen as beautiful.
I know I can only get that from God.
Music is integral part of my relationship with God.
I always feel not good enough.
I am always afraid everyone else can see that.
I love hugs.
I think people only see the happiness and never the real me.
I am not happy all the time.
I have to really trust someone before I let them see me cry.
I love giving people gifts.
And notes.
And telling them how much I like them.
Sometimes I think there is a social handbook I must have missed out on.
I wonder if I will ever have that first kiss.
I do not remember much about my childhood.
I try so hard to be better than I am.
The books I read are not making me “well read”
I spend too much money.
I write poetry.
I cannot draw or cut a straight line.
I like it when men hold the door for me.
I do not know how to show my interest to a guy.
Quality time is so important to me.
When you forget that we made plans, it hurts.
I pretend it does not.
I enjoy sleeping entirely too much.
I stay up too late.
I will not ever know if you do not tell me.
I like to feel wanted/needed.
I am totally and completely in love with life.
I do not think it ends here.
I always try to be what I think the other person wants me to be.
I am not a morning person. Give me an hour.
I strive to remain pure.
I think about my future husband often.
I only tell my mother everything.
Silence makes me uncomfortable.
I have no idea what music is popular now.
I just want to be the woman God made me to be.
I want to be closer to Him each day.
He seems so distant. I cannot see/touch/hear/feel him.
I guess that is where faith comes in.
I cannot wait to be a mother.
I wish I could comfort the world.
I was once obsessed with Hanson.
My favorite movie is The Fifth Element.
I never wear make-up.
I love my hair.
When I am sad, I am afraid to let anyone else know. Would they still like me?
I start projects and never finish them.
My dreams are vivid and exciting.
Making this list makes me feel conceited, but I so want someone to care enough to read it.
I blush often.
I get quiet when I am mad.
I really want you to follow me when I walk away.

Wow. That was long.

Sarah Jo

I say neither, you say neither.

Wow. I saw someone I haven't seen since high school and I know that doesn't sound so very long but it was like, what, 10 percent of my life ago? And apparently we live on the same street, two blocks apart. I find that amusing. And even more interesting is the fact that I dreamed about said person about a month ago. Its strange how things happen.

Other than that, I have nothing to say that you want to hear/read.

Oh, one of my customers said to one of my co-workers, referring to me, "Shes happy, isn't she?"
My co-worker replied, "that's an under-statement."

that's what I like to hear.

Oh, I thought of something else exciting. I'm going to be baptized next Sunday. I'm excited about this.
And I've been listening to Billy Holiday and the Fray. What a combination.
And I need to go move my car, its parked in the alley.


Sarah Jo

What I've been up to:

Yesterday was wonderful. After work, I went out for pancakes with Joanne. We had a nice talk. She made me feel good. Later, my brother and I went out to Ashleys house to swim. I enjoyed myself immensely. Emilie, Elisabeth, and Kaitlynn swam with us, all wearing their various flotation devices. It felt like summer when it hasn't felt like summer all summer long. What an awesome sentence.

Today Chad said, "I know I'm talking fast, you'll just have to listen fast." That amused me.

I guess that's all I have to say. I need to study for my exam tomorrow.

Night.

Sarah Jo

Yay! for new life experiences.

Even when they hurt, because the pain was a lot less than my imagination.

I've now officially blogged for two years.

Yep, thats all. Talked my fill for the day.

Sarah Jo

What I would like to feel now is numb.

Its great when things blow up in your face is ways you never expected. Oh wait, not great, I mean horribly, awfully bad. Maybe if I could just stop thinking about it, it wouldn't hurt so much. But how on earth could I do that?

I'm sorry, all my happy thoughts fell out when I received that unexpected blow.

Sarah Jo

Its easier to say things when I'm not looking at you.

Getting close to new people is hard. You have to figure out how to communicate with each other when times aren't good, when you hurt each other, when you get scared. My pastor explained it well once; he said when you have someone at arms length, they can't hurt you very much, but when you pull someone close and hug them, they can do real damage. And what hurts more than any pain they inflict is the surprise.

It is so much easier to keep everyone at arms length. If no one is close to me, no one can hurt me. But then I would be alone. The other option is to open up, move closer and take the chance, the chance to be hurt even more, the chance to become even better friends. Somehow, its much scarier to admit that I was hurt, than to simply pretend I wasn't. If I never say anything, he won't know not to do it again.

And I shouldn't be upset by it anyway, but I am. Its not so bad when someone jokes about something I am aware of, like my complete lack of sense of direction, but it took me by surprise. So yes, I do talk all the time. But this is the first time I've felt so insecure about it. I don't like silence. Whenever I'm with someone, I want to spend every minute getting to know them better. I don't understand comfortable silence. I only have that with people I know so well, we don't have anything to say anymore. And even then, I'm thinking about what I could say.

Anyway, I don't know what I want to happen.

Sarah Jo

A Good Cry

Its amazing what a good cry can do. I start off trying to control myself, pushing down the emotions because they aren't rational and tears never fix anything anyway. I want to talk about it but no one wants to listen long enough and that wont make it better either. So, I think it over until rationality loses the battle with emotion and find the secret refuge of my bedroom, bury my face in the pillow and have it out. The tears come, the prayers come, more tears come until I run out of energy and things to mourn over. Slowly, oh so slowly, the redness leaves my face as the sorrow leaves my heart and everything does seem better after all.

Cry

Remember how it feels to cry
violently
to completely lose control
body shaking
tears pouring down
screaming because
the pain inside
is far more than you can handle
and it seems
that you will never be
okay again

I cannot protect you
from ever feeling that way again
but I can promise you
that I will hold you until it passes.

until the tears
are salt stains on your cheeks
until you take that last sobbing gasp
until your heartbeat slows back down
until your swollen lips and puffy eyes
return to their normal size
until you fall asleep in the safety of my arms

Sarah Jo

Anyway, thanks for listening.

Okay. Now I'm happy with me.

"Did you just call me chicken nugget?" - Christopher

All the details seem to distract me from the fact that I'm not where I want to be, and I don't even know what that is. Trying to improve myself spiritually, socially, physically, mentally, emotionally, financially. . . leaves me feeling confused, because I know I want to be better than I am in many areas, and I know that I'll only ever get closer to the goal, but never at it, but I also thought that who I am right now was okay too. It can't be both, can it?

And I keep looking at myself through so many different lenses, and the view is so different. What standards am I measuring against? The world, my friends, my mom, God? Sometimes I feel beautiful, like someone should love me for who I really am, and other times I feel that if someone got close enough, they would see nothing more than all the things that aren't so great about me.

I just don't know how to reconcile who I am with who I'm trying to be. And I don't know how to talk about it.