My January Love Song

Pause on my doorstep,
sweet Winter,
as the nights moon
kisses me
full on the lips.

Hearken!
I will sing you
liquid moon beams
from my lovers
glistening embrace.

Our company will be jovial
Orion, Andromeda,
and Cassiopeia.

But none could contend
with your power to
bosom my breath
and leave even the roads
feeling so
unadulterated.

Can you believe Taylor Hanson got married? He was supposed to marry me!

Just listening to some Hanson. Makes me feel like, eleven again.

"Just look at you, look at you baby!"

Ahem. I mean, I was just going to bed and I tripped, and suddenly the Hanson cd fell into my computer and windows media player accidentally opened up and started playing it and I forgot to turn it off. . . .

(for a moment)

Maybe I am nothing but
self-loathing
and a
determination to be better.
Maybe I am measured by
the difference between
my need
and what I have to give.
Maybe I am made of
the fears that paralyze me
and those I have had the courage
to conquer.
Maybe my tomorrow
is irrevocably affected by
yesterday.
Maybe I am inconsistent
and timid
and weak.
But I know
you said
you love me anyway.

I went out on a date. . .

with my mom.

Don't you wish you were super-cool like me?

Sarah Jo

Get your foot off my ear!

It has been years since that summer when I would sing Sister Hazel at the top of my lungs. Just hearing that one song again brings back the joy and carelessness of it all. Let me embrace this feeling for a moment.

Sometimes, or rather, recently, I feel wound up so tight. I have so many things to do, and I just. . . I just want to do what I want to do and not what I have to do. And I am waiting for things to happen and dreading others. I am joyful at seeing this person and mournful at the absence of another.

I am SO proud of my mother. Let me just say that. I am SO very happy with her. This last month has been the best month I have spent with her. I finally feel. . . loved. I mean, I know she loved me before, but she hurt me so much. She would pick her drugs over me everytime and it made me feel so inadequate. Nothing I could do would make her choose me. And now, well now she is choosing the family. And I see her cry, and I know how hard it is for her, but she just smiles at me through the tears and tells me how sorry she is. And I cannot say how much I needed to hear that. I tried to talk to her for so long, I tried over and over again to make her see. She would not listen. So I just distanced myself from her and I got mad. I was mad at her for every little thing she did, and I tried to hurt her like she hurt me. But now it is so much better. She loves me and she needs me and she sees me. I do not have to shout anymore, I can whisper.

And all this last month, I trust her more, and I tell her more. I am moving closer to her. I am giving her my heart again. And I am terrified that she will go back to the pain pills again. I am terrified that she will hurt me again. She has not lied to me or stolen from me all month.

Its funny how you can want to talk about something for so long and then not find the words for it.

I heard a new song today and I liked it.

"Love" - Kids in the Way

Love, is it all that you want.
Is it everything you hope for.
Love, is it more than the word that you use when you look at her.
Love, it will push you around.
It will make you a poor man.
Change your picture of heaven, heaven.
Love, it will make you a man.
It will make you a child again.
Love, does it keep you awake.
Does it change everything you see.
Love, is it worth what you give.
Is it everything you need.Love.
Love, is it all that you want.
Is it everything you've worked for.
Love, is it wearing you down...love.

Reasons why washing your car in the winter is a bad idea:

I am just avoiding my homework again. I suppose I shouldnt. The longer I procrastinate, the fewer hours I get to sleep. I just wanted to talk to someone.

My car is sitting in the parking lot at fashion bug because the locks are frozen shut. Ashley is taking me to class and my grandpa is picking me up. It feels like not having a car all over again. I'm just saying that those darn locks better open in the morning, or else.

Because there isn't enough room for my books here.

Just getting ready to go to work. I did not get as much homework done as I had planned. I got sidetracked by cleaning my room. It's not that it was messy, its just I had a pile of clothes to hang up and a pile of papers to sort and all kinds of little things I have been meaning to do, you know. Anyway, I cleared out a space to put the desk my dad is going to buy me, as soon as I talk him into it, that is. Its this one, and it matches the one I already have, so I could have a whole office center. Coolness. Now I have to go.

Sarah jo

Yay for cool buttons

I learned a new trick!  

And that nap was SO nice.

I just finished a serious mound of homework, and no I am not done. But now, I know all about the Galilean moons of Jupiter and what a full moon looks like through binoculars in late January. So now I only have half a dozen things to do before work tomorrow. . .

Is he saying "be my skank?"

You know whats awesome? Well, whenever I drive my mom around (because obviously, I AM a taxi driver) I listen to Relient K. Anyway, to get to the awesome part, today she starts singing "Be my escape" and "Let it all out" I told here I was going to take her to a concert with me, and she said she would like that. Woot. One more convert, 300 million more to go.

Random blogs, you say. Beginnings, I say.

I was just reading some random persons blog, and he said he wanted more than anything to be in love. What a thing to say. I might sometimes say that I feel the same way, but I know that I have no idea what it is to be in love. It is foreign to me. I suppose that would be one of the reasons it is so appealing. Or perhaps that could be blamed on a century's worth of love song, poems, movies.

But no, love is not the thing I long for. Relient K said it so well, as stupid as that sounds. We all want to be known, and so we think, if we are in love, that person must know us, right? I don't think anyone could ever know you completely. We will all be forever misunderstood. But I can quote, "You're the only one who understands completely. You're the only one who knows me yet still loves me completely." that's it, isn't it? I long not for something a man can give me, I long for a closer relationship with God.

Someone asked me once if I ever feel empty inside. I told him yes. He said he heard somewhere that that was the deepest part of you longing for death, to be closer to God. I do not wish to die. I asked him what he thinks happens when you die. He said he thought it would be different for each of us, a tailored experience to meet our own needs. I thought that was beautiful, but I do not wish to die. I have not heard from him in quite some time. I worry. I'm worried.

Now I've gone and lost my train of thought. Please be safe and happy. I came back safe, now its your turn.

Well, I just can't go any further from here.

Sarah Jo

Even having stared into them,

I have forgotten the color of your eyes.

Be my escape.

Sometimes I wonder if I have made the wrong choices. What would have happened if I had. . . Could I have been happy then? I can never know the answer to this question. True, I could still change my mind, do it, and see what happens, but I'm so comfortable here. Sure, sometimes I feel like I definitely should have done the other thing, but then there are the moments that make it all worth while, perhaps.

I have known great happiness and great sadness. I am filled with gladness and regret. I am content and restless.

And I feel stretched into two directions. I get distracted by the long-term and the temporary. I don't focus on the one I should at the appropriate times.

And I'm trying with all I have to be a woman, and I keep proving myself a child.

And then a snow plow came by, and covered it all back up.

So, I did my essay thingy today. Now, I get to wait and wait and wait, oh, and fill out a lot more paper work, cus thats always fun.

Today my mother and I shoveled the sidewalk in front of our house. That my friend, is hard work.

I managed not to do any homework yesterday or today thus far. This is creating a heavy, guilty, foreboding feeling, but I think I'll ignore that for now and go get in the shower.

Oh, and I was mucho grumpy this morning because I had to wake up early and take James to court.
And. . . mom helped me give my car a quick sprucing up today, because the layer of dust on my dashboard was getting quite disgusting. Im just going to tell myself that the dust was from it sitting for two weeks while I was in china, and not because I haven't cleaned it for months and months. I cannot really clean the outside because it is supposed to snow again tonight, and I would be pretty mad if I got it all clean and then it became covered in salt tomorrow. And also, my doors would probably freeze shut due to the insane leakage. But, enough about my car and such.

I shall take a shower and then fill out my school paperwork and NOT read Harry Potter. You don't believe me, do you? That's okay, I don't believe me either.