At four months old. 

Kaitlynn Anne Quinwen Burns, I believe.

I have the heavy feeling in my chest of impending badness. Where did it come from? It started when I got on the internet. Something. . . something. . .

Um, my book still hasnt come yet. Ten days is enough isnt it?

We got pictures of Kaitlynn today, and yes, I spelled it right this time. Anyway, if the computer likes me today, they should be directly above this. Maybe.

Umm. . . I have to take a long test on Wednesday. No fun.

What is this feeling?

I started a poem today, and I dont think I'll finish it:

I close my mouth
to trap the laughter there
but it spills out through my eyes
and stains my cheeks with merry redness.

Announcing:

He Quin Wen (Pronounced something like "Who Ching Ven")
"He" is the surname. "Quin" means pretty. "Wen" means gentle.
Soon to be Caitlynn Anne Quin Wen Burns (If I spelled it right)
Born: December 22, 2003
Location: Changsha, Hunan, China

Pictures will be forthcoming. Yayness!

Autumn

Just me
on the way to your house
my favorite music
loud
and fiery orange
and gilded yellow
leaves
swirl
in anticipation
of my passing.
My brow wrinkles
on Route 4
because the speed
makes me nervous
and excites me,
but mostly
I just want to
see you again.

Just cus I'm bored.

LAYER ONE:
-- name: Sarah Jo
-- nickname(s): Rah Rah, Slavery Jo, Pelirojo
-- birthplace: Here
-- current Location: Still here
-- eye color: Bule
-- hair color: Reddish Brownish
-- height: 5'3"?
-- righty or lefty: Righty
-- zodiac sign: Cancer

LAYER TWO:
-- your heritage: American, then maybe Irish? Definately Kentucky.
-- your fears: Lots of stuff. Not being loved?
-- your perfect pizza: Cheese, nothing else.
-- goal you'd like to achieve: My Masters Degree.
LAYER THREE:
-- your most overused phrase on AIM:hehe
-- your thoughts first waking up: That was a wierd dream.
-- your thoughts at bedtime: Tomorrow I have to. . .
-- your most missed memory: I don't know. I miss alot.
LAYER FOUR:
-- pepsi or coke: Mountain Dew
-- mcdonald's or burger king: Chick-Fil-A
--single or group dates: single
-- iced tea or nestea: Gatorade
-- chocolate or vanilla: Mint Chocolate Chip
-- cappuccino or coffee:Hot Chocolate
LAYER FIVE:
-- smoke: Cancer
--curse:= Small Vocabulary
-- sing: At the top of my lungs
-- take a shower everyday: sure
-- have a crush: Yes
-- do you think you've been in love:No, I sure don't.
-- want to go to college: I am.
--like(d) high school: Yes
-- want to get married: Yes
-- believe in yourself: sometimes..
-- get motion sickness: Nah
-- think you're a health freak: no
-- get along with your parent(s): Umm Sure
-- like thunderstorms: As longs as I'm not in them.
-- play an instrument: Nope
LAYER SIX:
in the past month...
-- drank alcohol: no
-- smoked: over my dead body
-- done a drug: no
-- kissed someone:No
-- had sex: no
-- gone on a date: No
-- gone to the mall?: If you call that sorry excuse for shopping a mall.
-- eaten an entire box of oreos: Ewww
-- eaten sushi: no
-- been on stage: no
-- been dumped: That would be a little impossible.
-- gone skating: no
-- made homemade cookies: I don't bake, thank you very much.
-- gone skinny dipping: Haha!
-- dyed your hair: no
-- stolen anything: no
LAYER SEVEN:
I vetoed all those questions.
LAYER EIGHT:
-- age you hope to be married:Tomorrow
-- numbers and names of children: Three Dozen. Haha. I don't know. I like the name Caleb and the name Rebecca. Have not thought further than that.
-- describe your dream wedding: January, freezing cold. Snow everywhere. Outside in front of a huge bonfire with just the pastor, him, me and our close family.
-- how do you want to die: I would rather the rapture come first. But. . . with Jesus VERY near.
-- where you want to go to college: Right where I am.
-- what do you want to be when you grow up:A mother. A great mother. My childrens Hero.
-- what country would you most like to visit: China!
LAYER NINE:
in a guy/girl..
-- best eye color: Whatever.
-- best hair color: Whatever
-- short or long hair: As long as its not like, a mullet. . .
-- height: Am I really supposed to be that shallow?
-- best articles of clothing: As in?
-- best first date location: Somewhere with him.
-- best first kiss location: My lips?
LAYER TEN:
-- # of drugs taken illegally: 0
-- # of people i could trust with my life: I DON'T KNOW!
-- # of pets you have, what kinds, names :Eww, they make me sneeze. And they smell. And you have to clean up their poop. And they smell.
-- # of CDs that i own: Relient K is all I listen to.
# of piercings:0
-- # of tattoos: 0
-- # of scars on my body: 0
-- # of things in my past that i regret: Why would I even try to list that? Thats like the introduction to a suicide note or something. How bout a question like: # of things in my life I am proud of?

Name the person/people who comes tomind in each question.
1. Always make you laugh. Tommy
2. Always make you angry. My Brother
3. Always makes fun of you Alison
4. Always be there for you Ashley Clay
5. Always buy present for you Joanie
6. Always hangout with you Ashley Clay
7. Always smile at you Most Everyone
8. Always pay for you Me
9. Always drive you around Me
10. Always ask homework questions No one.
11. Always need your help Jenelle
12. Always make you wait Mom
13. Always sleep in classes That one guy.
14. Always cannot make up his/her mind Lots of people
15. Always late for class ? I don't know
16. Never take a bus/train/aeroplane Um. . .
17. Has messy hair Me
18. Untidy ChristopherAdam Lewis
19. Someone you love? Now, that would just take forever to list.
20.A liar or a pretender? My Mother

*Hugs the Space Heater*

- I think the plan is to completely disconnect the upstairs from the heating system, me being the only one living up here. This space heater is meant to heat the entire upstairs: bathroom, three bedrooms, hallway. I'm so keeping this door shut and locked. It's mine! All Mine!

Sweet like that gum in your mouth.

I doubt your existence sometimes, but this is well balanced by the memory of the heat of your breath on my skin.

Science class and X-men too.

I feel discouraged and hopeful at the same time, but not about the same things and it feels strange. I am afraid to feel too hopeful about anything, because letdowns are terrible. Maybe I am emotional or maybe I am in touch with my emotions. I dunno. Do I show it in real life? Um. . I don't know. I don't think I make my as legible on my face as I do in this blog. I am certainly not as honest.

I remember telling my class about my mom, and my life. My hands shook and I wanted to hide and cry, but I kept talking. Heck, I cried when I wrote that entry about my mom. Honesty is hard, vulnerability is terrifying. I think I would do best if it were just me and you and the stars.

I wonder what happens when you press this bu- BOOM!

I got the Relient K Christmas albulm I purchased on eBay in the mail. I've been listening to it all day. Now, I would blame my freakness (caused by listening to Christmas music two months early) on Relient K, but truth be told, I was listening to my other Christmas CD just last week. So, I am a freak either way. I just love Christmas music. It reminds me of our vacations to Michigan. I will miss that this year, but small trade for China, I would say. I'll still miss it.

There was something else, I promise. Oh, I remember! Last evening I was surprised to find a space heater in the bathroom. For whatever reason it was there, its gone now, and my room is nice and toasty. (Infer what you will.) Eww, but it smelled funny, like burnt something or other, so I taped a fabric softener sheet to the vent and now my room smells like warm laundry. Yum.

And. . . Friday and Saturday are "fall break" and I don't have any classes. Excitedness. I don't have to work Saturday either! Whatever will I do with a whole day with no obligations? Hmm.

I feel so not-social. I haven't seen anyone. It was nice to see Ashley today.

I saw my ninth grade English teacher! She was in Fashion Bug and it was awesome. Yeah, cus I'm a nerd and I like my teachers.

I think I'm done now.

Monologue.

I think I stumbled across something really profound today and it frightened me. I found one of those hidden strings that controls my behavior. And I don't think I was ready to see the strings. Granted, I only found one of them.

For the longest time, the best thing I could do was imitate the accepted behavior I saw in others. After some struggles, I began to act in a fashion that was completely me. Then, after some self-study, I have been able recognize the patterns in my behavior. Not only do I just be me, but I see the little things that make up me. Well, most of them. It is very hard to look at oneself. But today, I saw why I do some things. This is scary. Is everything I am a result of some outside stimulus? I don't want to think that. I want to be responsible for who I am.

I was talking to my Mother today. And I will explain that talking to my Mother is always so awkward for me. It feels so fake and manufactured. There are so many things we do not say, subjects we do not talk about. This entire relationship is as fragile at that ornament she threw that Christmas.

I told her that I thought we should see a therapist together. She asked why we would do that, our relationship is fine until it comes to money. I told her that there were major things wrong. She wants to know what. I tell her she doesn't want to talk about it. She says, I am right, she doesn't want to talk about it. I tell her that that's one of the things wrong with our relationship, we don't talk about things. She says that's just the way her family deals with things. I tell her that makes relationships shatter. She changes the subject. I say one day I am just going to leave and never come back and she can never say I didn't ever try to talk about it. She gets mad. Awkward silence ensues.

I do not trust her. Ever. I want to tell her this. I want to trust her. I want to feel safe with her. But everytime I trust her again, she lies to me, steals from me, does something. Even the smallest things, stupid, tiny things, she lies about. It breaks my heart. Lies lies lies. What am I supposed to do? She's so manipulative. She tries to make me feel guilty if I deny her something.

She is so good to me, she says, why won't I give her ten dollars? I never have anything nice to say about her, she says, I am so ungrateful. Her back hurts, her hands hurt, why won't I give her fifteen dollars so she can go buy pain pills from her friend? She hasn't had any all day, and she needs them, she tells me, Daddy will pay me back when he gets home.

I just want to sit here and cry and pout about how horrible it all is. But where will that get me? What good would that accomplish? And she compares my life to other people. Tells me how good I have it. Look at so and so, aren't you glad you don't have their parents? If you go around comparing yourself to other people, you are going to find that lots of people have it worse than you and lots of people have it better than you too. You just cant do that. I want to scream. I don't care about so and so, I care about me, about us, about this relationship. I AM NOT HAPPY! Can you see that? Can you see how much it hurts me? Why won't you listen to me? Why are pills more important than me? Don't you love me? Don't you care?

I'm walking around with this inside of me, and you don't want to talk about it. I look at you with love and contempt, and it confuses me. I love you so much. I love you so much. Stop hurting me, please. Just love me okay? Can't you just be nice because you love me, and not because you want money? Can't you just love me for me, and not my money? Oh my gosh, I just need you to be my mom.

And this, is the string I found. I need to be listened to, I need reassurance, I need honesty, because Im not getting these things where they truly matter. And it scares me to death to say all these things because we don't talk about these things. We don't share these things. Well, Im sharing it with the whole world because the most important person in my world won't listen to me.

*Fade to Black*

Lately the weather has been so bipolar and consequently so have I.

I bought towels today. I feel so grown up now. They are light and navy blue. I had to rearrange my room to find room for the towels. Yeah, its that packed. My room is now a bedroom/office/walk-in closet/storage-major storage. I got towels because I wanted MY OWN towels. And then I will wash them and put them in my room and no one else's cooties will touch them! Yes! (I am very aware that yes, I am a freak.)

Just to share, I am also bothered by using the Q-tips in the bathroom because I don't know how clean whoeveres hands were when they grabbed one. SO, I bought my own. They are in my room. And. . . I get upset if my toothbrush is in a different position than when I left it. Eww, once it was wet when it shouldn't have been. Mom said she cleaned them all, so I got a new toothbrush, because. . . eww. Don't touch the toothbrush ma'am.

Im sure there are more things, but I wont list them all.

Do you think of me in a different light now?

AND. . . I did the laundry today and no one told me to! I ran out of pink things and had to take matters into my own hands. Ha.

Im waiting for my CD to come in the mail. Godspeed to it.

Oh My Gosh! Joanie said that the rumors are that the referrals were mailed from China. So, maybe Thursday? I sure hope so. Im so stayin the night at her house this weekend. I cant wait to meet the new baby, gosh darn it. I've been thinking about China quite a bit lately.

Impatience.

I drank his mountain dew. Duhn Duhn Duhhhhhhh.

Chris: WHATS THIS?!?!
Me: Uh. . . nuthin
Chris: okay

Dear you,

I just wanted to move a little bit closer to you
I never intended to do all the damage I managed to do.
Sometimes it seems that my every action is tainted with doubt.
But in my private worship of you I was systematically devout.

Laughing at who I thought I was or wanted you to be,
my preconceived notions were plagued with inconsistency.
Almost always bound by the things I thought I knew
or promises I made but never ever followed through.

I've found that things become more complicated than we plan
and the words are imbued with more emotion then when this began.
Now I know the things I wanted were things you could not offer me,
And more important are the things I cannot touch or hear or see.

Suffuse me once again with your ever present benevolence
that constantly surprises me in its overwhelming prevalence,
because I need you more than I would ever deign to say
and I would follow you with more passion than words could ever convey.

We make a game of throwing our shoes

I still smile when I look at the pictures from that day. It warms my heart. Maybe I want to be there again, but I do not want to relive all those days between then and now. And I do not want to lose all the things I have learned. I will just say, I enjoyed it, and my time with you.