If its okay, I would like to say some things here that I cant say to my father:
You make it so I don't want to come home. Do you know that? I try to figure out places to be until you are asleep so you wont ask me for money. You dont listen when I say no. You make me feel guilty and unreasonable. And now, I am having nightmares about you. In my dreams, you steal from me until I am in debt and then say you had no choice. In my dreams, you don't care, and I'm beginning to think that you don't care now. I am trying my best to lay down a foundation for my future, a future where I am not poor, living from paycheck to paycheck, like you. A future where I can take things like toilet paper, running water, and a place to live for granted. I want to know what its like to not appreciate the toilet flushing. Is that wrong of me? But you, you make it so I have to bail you out of jail and pay the rent and the water bill and wonder what will happen next while I try to pay off my credit cards. And I feel guilty about going on a cruise with my friends because I know I cant afford it because of YOU. But more than any of this, I am most troubled by the fact that you make me NOT WANT TO COME HOME. If I cant come home, where can I go? This has always been the placein the world that I feel the most comfortable, even when I dont feel safe, but now I dont like being here. It is like a film on the walls that clings to my skin and gets into my lungs and follows me out the door. What do I do? I love you, but you are making me miserable.
In other news,
I took myself out to dinner tonight (for aforemention reasons) and with my reciept, the server gave me his phone number.
So I've been trying really hard with this whole thing about positive thinking attracting positive energy to your life and negetive thinking attracting negetive energy. I've been thinking positive about things and not focusing on the negetive. I do feel better, most of the time.
But is it okay that I now feel guilty whenever I start thinking negetive thoughts? I think about how I am unhappy, and then I'm feeling unhappy and guilty, and where has that gotten me? I do think that positive thinking will cause me to carry out actions either conciously or subconciously that will work towards my goals, but I don't know about never having negetive feelings. Its not working for me. Instead, they are sort of festering under the surface inside the little bubble I've forced them into. How do I find a balance?
Because I am still unhappy, and I try not to think about it but then I see the youtube videos of all the wls girls or I go to the movies where the seats are almost not wide enough or I worry about how much damage I do to my own furniture simply by sitting on it. Is it okay for me to be upset about these things, or should I pretend that I'm not upset and hope that I eventually believe the lie?
Dwelling on how upset I am will fix nothing, but I cant not cry sometimes. Where do I go from here?
I made a dream board. All the instructions on the internet said to use pictures to represent your dreams, but I like words better than pictures, so thats what I used. The center image should be of yourself or something you enjoy looking at; mine says, "I am happy." surrounded by white space. Nothing else, no conditions, no pretty pictures or fancy caligraphy.
I've been so unhappy lately and it seems that everything I want is just beyond my reach, impossible for me to ever attain. So, here they are, the things that matter most to me, all laid out in plain text on white paper.
The plain piece of paper at the top is for things so great, I would never even dream of them. I thought I should leave room for that.
something that just came out of me during an IM conversation:
me: I hear all kinds of people that say, "I'll be happy when. . ." It makes me wonder if "when" ever happens, of they spend their whole lives waiting. I could say, "I'll be happy when I'm not fat anymore" or "I'll be happy when I finally move out of my parents house" but that would be many, many unappy days, waiting. And then when I'm not fat anymore, I'll find something else to be miserable about.
So, I'm happy today. And I was yesterday. And I willl be tomorrow. even when it hurts even when it takes all my strength